He is my Sin (II/?)

[animangod]

CHAPTER II

Title: He is my Sin
Rating: This part is pretty PG
Synapses: Kurogane seeks to gain Fai's love; however it is not easy when one is the madoka of Heartache.
Warning: Nothing really. Just light indecisive angst.
Authors notes: Gonna have contents be two separate chapters but changed mind.

 

*****

I’m just the pieces of the man I used to be; too many bitter tears are raining down on me

I’m far away from home and I’ve been facing this alone for much too long

Oh, I feel like no one ever told the truth to me about growing up and what a struggle it would be

In my tangled state of mind I’ve been looking back to find where I went wrong…

 

Too much love will kill you if you can’t make up your mind

Torn between the lover and the love you leave behind

You’re headed for disaster cos you never read the signs

Too much love will kill you - every time.

*****

 

Fai never found himself to be a time-watcher, but he wanted to do something other than think about the gift he had been forced to accept a few hours before. Once back in his little one-bedroom apartment, he rested on his bed briefly. Getting up, he hid the cash under his mattress for the time being, keeping only the card out, setting it on his dresser, and went to take a nice long, hot shower. After a shower, he made himself something to eat; he finished that and began cleaning. Exhausted or no, now he couldn’t sit still; the thought in the back of his mind of what lay in his bedroom was enough to give him the energy to deep clean the rest of his apartment, until sleep desperately called for him, and he made his way back to his room, checked his alarms were set and passed out under the covers.

 

Fai groaned mildly to the sounds of his first alarm, shutting it off, and wrapped up tighter into his blankets, not wanting to leave their warmth just yet. When he could ignore the third alarm no longer, he gave in and got up to face the day before him.

His muscles ached with a gentle throb as he moved out of his bed, not bothering to make the bed. It was still pretty cold outside, even during the early afternoon, and the temperature seeped in. Fai gently rubbed his arms to fight off the chill, before he dug around a bit and threw on a light sweater (he usually didn’t bother cleaning his bedroom too much, day-to-day clothes mixed with blankets, pillows, and drawing and writing supplies, miscellaneous things buried about that made stepping a haphazard for near anyone else, dallied about the place with a congregation settled sporadically on his bed).

Going into his kitchen, he moved over to his stove, grabbed the kettle off and filled it with water. Once full enough, Fai placed it over a burner and turned it on medium-high to heat it up, while he turned his back to the stove, and pried open the creaky wooden cabinets, where his dishes were stored. He pulled down a mug, and the cupboards above a counter provided him with some hot chocolate packets. Since it was a larger mug, he poured in two of the powder drink mix packets into the mug, and set a spoon beside it, as he went to throw away the wrappers and wait for the water to boil. While he waited for the whistle-pitch to come, announcing the water was ready to pour, he stayed near the burner, using the run-off heat to help warm up with.

As soon as the whistler began to make a sound, Fai turned off the heat, opened the end and poured enough water in to mix up most of the powder. He set the kettle down and stirred the drink until it was completely dissolved. He then poured in more water till it was closer to full and stirred it a little more before he set down the kettle one last time, pulled the spoon out of the cup and licked the cocoa off of it.

Fai set the spoon next to the sink to deal with later and took his cup of cocoa and made his way into the living room space, turned the TV on, and settled into his couch. It was the news and weather channel that he left it on, so the first thing to come up was a blurb about the prices of green peppers going up due to a storm taking quite a toll on a few bell pepper plantations. Fai slowly sipped his cocoa, waiting for the news to change to weather to see if there were any changes in the area. Seeing the meteorologist, he smiled a little. Reassured that at least the weather hadn’t changed its plans from yesterday, did a complete 180 or a drastic change, he clicked the power off, and stood up. He then picked up his cell phone, and checked for any missed calls. None. Taking the initiative, he decided he should call one of his acquaintances, one who on occasion, had him tend to her six year old daughter and four year old son. He liked to watch these two as they were often well-behaved. The single mom teacher was another favorite as her twins were sweet little girls. He’d first gotten to know them all from when he occasionally volunteered at Yomogi Nursery School ran by Yukimura Sanada and Sayaka Okiura.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Thurn. I was just calling to see if you will need a babysitter this week?”

“Oh, Fai, I’m so glad you called. I was just thinking of calling you as a matter of fact. Do you think you will be available today and tomorrow? I know it’s short notice, but work called and…”

“Don’t you worry about a thing, Mrs. Thurn,” Fai said cheerfully as ever, “I’ll be over in just a few minutes.”

“Oh, thank you dear; you’re a lifesaver.”

“Alright then I’ll see you soon.”

“Yes, and again thank you.”

Fai hung up, and let out a breath, and then he finished off his cocoa. He rinsed the cup lightly, before he just set it in beside the spoon. He grabbed his wallet and keys, located his work uniform (if things got real late, he had to have it so he could go to work immediately afterwards). Taking a little time to make sure he looked … relatively decent (for just crawling out of bed not ten minutes ago), and brushing the knots out of his bed hair, he locked up after himself, and went out to his car.

 

Fai drove over to Mrs. Thurn home, where she and her husband were standing outside, with their two bundles of joy, one in front of each parent.

“Good afternoon,” Fai said with a smile.

“Good afternoon, Fai,” the children said at the same time.

“Good afternoon, dearie,” the wife said, the husband showing no signs of jealousy as he knew his wife had a habit to call almost everybody she met by doting pet names (she used sugar, sweetheart, love bug and babydoll a lot too).

The husband walked over and handed Fai the keys to their place, “They haven’t had their afternoon nap or snack yet.”

“Yessir, I’ll make sure to take care of that,” Fai answered, accepting the ring holding three keys.

“Alright loves, Fai-dear is going to take good care of you until Mommy and Daddy get back, so make sure to be on your best behavior for him.”

“We will,” they answered their mother.

 

Later that night, as Fai took care of his shift, the parents back an hour before he had to head over to work, he let out a soft sigh in the presence of the waitress. It was actually busy tonight, more than half the diner full with patrons.

“What’s wrong, Fai?” she asked, placing a family on ten’s order of drinks onto one of the trays.

Fai glanced over halfway, contemplated for a few seconds as he finished loading his own tray. He then held the tray up and gave her a half smile and softer look in his eyes, “I’ll tell you after work.”

“No running off, then,” she said with a wink, beginning to head out with him.

“No running,” confirmed Fai, before he walked over to the waiting patrons.

 

#############

 

Kurogane dropped Yue off, before going to the local schools and dropping off the coolant fluid for their air conditioners. It was springtime, and soon the weather would be getting a bit warm. After each delivery is signed for, Kurogane took his truck and drove it to base to drop off the cargo bay for a while, and checked if they had any more deliveries at the time. Apparently, he had about a month before he had another scheduled delivery, and a week before they could probably find him some work, so he drove off to where his home resided, in a small communal town. It used to be a farmer’s village, but most of the old folk were long since gone.

Now, his residence sat on the outskirts of town where civilization just began to touch, and he pulled up next to a beat up vineyard, and sighed. The house was a few acres away, but here, the grapes hadn’t been tended to in a few years (he’d neglected them just as he neglected most other things for a few too many years). Maybe now he’d have a little time to nurture and take care of them; he wondered if he would, (always seemed to be too busy or too preoccupied to do so) before he finished the small drive to the gravelly driveway. He parked his truck, and climbed out.

Kurogane stood in front of the three-story house. He remembered the place well. He knew every acre of land, as he played there when he was still a naïve child. The orchards that bared fruit to eat, the vineyard for making drink, and the canal that irrigated the crops (he had accidentally fallen into it as a child, the water was strong and fast, and father had been there then – had saved him from drowning under the swift current). He knew the house well; the creaky cellar, where the wine would be stored, the pantry where the canned goods stayed, the kitchen where his mother would bake and cook, and her warm smile as they sat down to eat their meals, the master bedroom (sneaking in after a bad dream and his parents were there to keep him warm and safe), his own room as a child, spacious with a tall tree that he used to climb up onto the roof and back inside with (father would on the occasion call him a monkey), the dusty attic, roasting marshmallows in the brick fireplace, the big open living room. Everything about it reeked with old memories. Nothing about it brought back anything that remained pleasant; any of the pleasant memories had become cold and bitter in the years. Best not to think too deeply about them, as they brought out a darker side within him.

The porch creaked as he stepped onto the faded whitewood. Slowly he felt the oaken wood of the door, still retaining most of its original color after all the years, but there was a thick layer of dust. Reaching upwards where he kept it stored, Kurogane pried the spare key out and used it to unlock the front door.

The place was dustier than he thought as the dirt and debris had settled over things, and as he walked in, he made a trail of footprints. Everything he touched displaced just a little dust, causing a trail of where he’d been and what he’d touch. No perfect trail as some dust clung and rolled under his fingers as he moved inside toward the upstairs. The outside light illuminated the faded floral curtains that rested on the curtain rod, keeping the sun out of the house, making it only slightly warmer than he.

He headed upstairs to the master bedroom, where his parents slept (his mother died in that bed). He had only one purpose for going into that room. Lifting away a  few creaking floorboards, he revealed a hidden compartment beneath the floor, and reached down, to pull out a box from within. The black box came out with ease, and Kurogane blew the dust off of it, before he opened it up. He looked inside briefly, checking everything he’d put in it was still there. He took out the object he was after, before he closed it and placed it back where it was hidden, replacing the wooden boards. He tucked the object into his pocket before he walked out.

Kurogane began to head out to grab a bite to eat, when he noticed a distinct figure leaning against his fence. “Why are you here?” he growled to the other.

“I heard you were back in town, and home; had to see if the rumor was true.”

“As you can see, I am here, now you can get, because now I am leaving.”

“You really have a bad temperament, Heartache,” Sorata began, “You really trying to get Fai dragged into this? If you keep him about, he will turn just like you did. You really want that for him? To be what you became?”

“Got nothing to do with you, and if you can’t get lost on your own, maybe I should help you out,” Kurogane grunted irritated.

“Fine, I’m leaving,” Sorata said holding his hands in the air, as if to submit, “But I would really be surprised if any more than half the people near him that stay are the same as he. After all, rumor is, anyone who stays friends with him is also a Madoka.”

Kurogane knew Sorata was right, but he didn’t need to be questioned by him either. He was still trying to figure things out, however he still couldn’t find his answer. He wanted Fai to be safe; he wanted Fai to be his. His heart was torn in two. Keep his distance, or keep Fai close. And because of his own internal indecision, Fai paid the price, as Fate’s web drew tighter around him, controlling Fai like a puppet master. However, hopefully the gift he’d left with him would allow Fai to have the ability to make his own decision instead. There should be more than enough money to cover any travel and rental expenses – or he could take off from work for a while. Or, he knew he harbored the small hope that Fai would, despite things, choose him above all else.

 

#############

 

Sitting down on the steps of the back door, the day shift workers having taken over, Fai was back in his normal clothes, and she in hers. The morning air was nippy and since she had been in a rush and forgotten her coat, Fai had used his sweater to help keep her warm instead, concerned for her and the baby’s health in the cold.

“Now…what seems to be the matter, Fai?”

Fai let out a breath; it was hard not to tell Kobato the truth. She was a sincere person and a hard worker; nothing about her was false, and as such, having her around kind of rubbed off on him wanting to be the same. He wanted to be honest with her. In the end, he was a hard worker, but not as honest as she.

“Yesterday, we had one customer come in…”

“Oh?” she began and paused, “and that’s why you’re like this?”

“It was Kurogane,” Fai elaborated.

“Oh,” she said, as if that explained all, and really it more than sufficed.

“He acted normal most the time he was here, but then…” Fai’s posture slumped, “he made me take this …gift from him.” Fai placed his face in his palms, “I didn’t even realize truckers carried so much cash on them.”

She paused a minute before she began to gently stroke his back, “Did he say why he did that?”

“…Sorta. He left this with it.” Fai moved one hand away, and reached into a back pocket, where he pulled out the card and held it out for her to see.  She grasped it lightly, seeing the front, before she flipped it over to the back, and saw the writing scrawled on the back in black ink.

“And you’re not sure what to do, right?” she asked gently.

“Yeah. I mean, if I do as he says,” he turned to look into her brownish-red eyes, “wouldn’t that be a problem for you?”

“That shouldn’t matter, Fai; it’s not about what I want,” she spoke with a soft smile, “You should decide what you want.”

“I don’t even know what I want anymore.”

That was hardly a lie. She contemplated that for a little bit before a thought struck her. “Didn’t you like to do all those artsy-craftsy things?”

“I was never any good at them.”

“Good doesn’t matter; what matters is that you are happy … You haven’t been very happy lately have you?”

Fai let out a shaky breath, “not…really.”

“Then maybe you should go for it. Find a different job, go to college, travel around the world. It just might get that old spark back into your eyes. But if you forget to keep me up to date every now and again, we,” the bulge of her stomach indicated the other part of the we, “will come find you and make you make time for us and a civil meal filled with talk of all the latest details.”

Fai smiled, knowing Kobato meant every word she just said, “You really are too kind.”

“Anything to help a friend. So… why don’t you get some rest and think this over? And call me first when you reach your decision, when you do decide what you want to do. You don’t have to decide now, but I’d like to be the first person you tell.”

“Alright. I’ll definitely do that. Thanks Kobato.”

 

Fai flopped down on his bed, holding the card Kurogane had left for him between his fingers as he stared at it. “Go out and find your own paradise” it said on the previously blank side of Kurogane’s business’s card.  Probably had nothing better to use than the card, as he had a good guess why the receipt was not an option Kurogane wished to pick. Written in tinier print was an address, and Fai could only guess to what. Every night, he chose to stare at it and mull things over before drifting off. By the time fall was in full swing and approaching winter, things were different; on one particular day, he got up off his bed, picked up his phone and dialed Kobato’s number. He waited until he heard the small audible click of the phone being answered.

“Hey, Kobato.”

“Oh… Fai. What is it?” she asked sleepily.

“Sorry did I wake you?”

“No, been up for a few minutes. Anyway, what’s up?”

Fai paused a moment before he said it, “I’ve finally decided.”

 

*****

I’m just the shadow of the main I used to be and it seems like there’s no way out of this for me

I used to bring you sunshine; now all I ever do is bring you down

Ooh, how would it be if you were standing in my shoes

Can’t you see that it’s impossible to choose; no, there’s no making sense of it

Every way I go I’m bound to lose. Oh yes.

 

Too much love will kill you just as sure as none at all

It’ll drain the power that’s in you, make you plead and scream and crawl

And the pain will make you crazy; you’re the victim of your crime

Too much love will kill you – every time

Yes, too much love will kill you; it’ll make your life a lie.

Yes, too much love will kill you, and you won’t understand why

You’d give your life, you’d sell your soul but here it comes again

Too much love will kill you in the end. In the end.