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(TEAM FANTASY) [Repairman and Customer] What Comes Undone
Title: What Comes Undone
Prompt: [Repairman and Customer]
Rating: T
Warnings: Some violence. I tried to keep it fairly subdued, so it's not presented too graphically. To be specific, some hands become unattached in battle and offscreen. Descriptions of minor wounds. Some pretty harsh bullying also occurs.
Notes: I really hope I did my prompt justice. I think if someone were to read this fic without knowing what it was, they'd never be able to guess it.
...Oh well? -throws fic- Take it. I have no command over it any longer. It is with the people.
Thank you so much Cloverfield for betaing this! You did an awesome job and I really appreciated the feedback. Thank you all for making this such an awesome event. I've had a blast and can't wait to read everyone else's fics now that mine is done.
Remember to rate here on this DW post rather than on AO3!
'What Comes Undone' on AO3
Thank you for reading! How did I do?
Please score my fic according to these guidelines:
1. How well did this fic fit the prompt? (1-10)
2. How well written was the fic? (1-10)
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)
Please remember that you must provide some form of identification, either by logging into dreamwidth, or by providing a link to a blog or profile on another site, for your vote to be counted!
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I think the ending feels a bit rushed myself, so I would definitely look at tidying it up and adding a stronger conclusion once the Olympics are over. Thanks for the insight and so glad you enjoyed it!
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It fits perfectly. Seriously, I'm happy to see a prompt "simple" like this used in such a good and original manner, I really really like the world and the concept of "wards", and all the feelings too! And they mixed together with the prompt so well, it's a nice blending.
2. How well written was the fic? 8/10
Mh, I must divide my opinion in half. Because the fic is very well-written, no mistakes and wonderful descriptions ( I'm a big fan of them AHAH ) but at the same time I found it a little bit... heavy? A kinda of. Some parts go very very slow and too much full of things, and they made difficult for me to follow the pattern.
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 7/10
Don't mind me, I REALLY like your fic, but... I don't know, the first part was very detailed and full of things, feelings and information ( a little too much in my opinion ), but the last part ( the final part ) was... poor. I think that depends a lot to the time you had, but it's a problem that I must take in mind. ( I loved how Kurogane cared about Fay god he was so sweet ;_; )
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I feel like the flow of my writing is very staggered or heavy sometimes and by the time I've looked it over, I can't tell whether it really is that way or whether I'm just overthinking it. So it's helpful to get some clarification on what needs to be improved.
I wish I'd left myself some more time to edit it. Oh well~ once the Olympics are done I'll probably redo some of it.
Thanks again!
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2) 9/10
3)9/10
I really loved this! I felt the ending was a bit rushed, however the rest of the story flows so nicely and your word choice is fantastic!
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9
2. How well written was the fic? (1-10)
8
i was very confused setting the first half of the fic, but i dont know if that was bc i wasnt focusing? but it definitely became a lot firmer towards the end.
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)
8.5
i was iffy on it in the beginning, but i ended up really liking this. the little moments between fai and kurogane were so well done, really in character! mokona was very sweet (as always) and suu and oruha were lovely!!
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Personally, I felt as if there needed to be a bit more stress on the prompt. It didn't show obviously at the beginning, which was perfectly okay since you were working on building a deeper story line. However, once the prompt came into play it seemed as if there was more ‘repairman’ being filled than ‘customer’.
How well written was the fic? 9
The writing was wonderfully descriptive and I enjoyed the world that you created. It was so CLAMP that I feel as if it is a world that they could really land in. I didn't spot any errors and the plot progressed smoothly. I was a bit confused while reading Fai’s dream though. I didn't realize what was going on until you mentioned Fai waking then needed to go back to reread that section to better understand. As such, it would have been nice if it had been separated out more clearly. The ending was also a bit too abrupt for me, very sweet, but still abrupt.
How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 8
I did enjoy the story but could not help but think that there was something missing. I can’t rightly say what that missing element is but I did get that feeling. Even so, you created a stunning world and managed to include deeper elements to the story. I very much liked how chose to portray how Kurogane and Fai’s relationship had developed with things as simple and subtle as body language. They never did strike me as a couple that would need grand displays to show how they care. I feel you did a wonderful job of keeping them in character.
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Thank you!
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I think this fit the prompt very well, it wasn't an obvious idea and the setting was really nice.
2. How well written was the fic? 10
"and his voice left the same shadow over Kurogane’s heart as the image of the night around them, full of the fear of a child stepping out of home into the dark."
This was my favourite line!
I loved your writing, it was just so beautiful. You managed to create an atmosphere, I felt how wrong they all felt in the beginning, the constant fear of something they didn't know, but also the sweetness of those family moments and the fondness all of them felt for each other. I think this was well paced too, and the characters were the best thing. You were able to show their relationships and personalities, even dear Mokona, who hasn't been appearing a lot in other fics. And I absolutely loved how you depicted Kurogane and Fai's relationship, how they felt so safe with each other and how they wanted to support the other, but still kept a bit of their usual snark, without it ever sounding forced or rushed.
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 10
When I started reading this I knew I was going to enjoy it. I was intrigued, kinda scared, and I just got immersed in your prose, I thought it was beautiful (and now it's late and I should be asleep...). My favourite parts were those moments between Kurogane and Fai, when they're just conforting each other and enjoying each other's presence, I thought you wrote them very well, they felt intimate. I just loved how Kurogane was constantly alert and worrying about Fai, and how Fai admited to being afraid and was genuine with Kurogane and sought his confort too. I think you really managed to get their personalities post-TRC right. And I also loved Syaoran and Mokona, and the little mentions to Sakura here and there, they felt like they belonged in the story too. I wish we got to see a bit more of Suu and Oruha and their happy home, that part didn't seem so fleshed out, but then again, I just loved the feel of the story and was smiling at the end so this deserves all 10s!
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Thanks so much for the comments about the characters. I love them so much and it's reassuring to know I didn't completely wreck them, lol. I do really regret not having written more of Suu and Oruha, because I adore them - but more to look forward to I guess. ;D
Thank you!
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1. How well did this fic fit the prompt? (1-10)
Score 10 - Suu & Oruha, yay!
2. How well written was the fic? (1-10)
Score 8 - good storyline, but sometimes I wasn't sure which feelings / POV belongs to which character
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)
Score 8 - Great story, but my acute confusion with POVs made it 8/10 instead of 10/10.
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Thanks again for voting! :D
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It covered the prompt completely.
2. How well written was the fic? (1-10) - 9
I thought it was really well written!
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (1-10) - 9
I enjoyed reading it immensely! It was really good!
I felt there could be more to it and a few things didn't seem to actually 'end.' Like what happened to everyone in the forest in the end and what about all of the anomalies. I would also be interested in knowing if the magic they used to get there and then to leave would affect the world. I also didn't get the feeling of it the greenhouse was big enough for everyone that would have to move there, but that could just be me not reading it properly. (I hope this doesn't sound too bad but I'm just interested it what else happened because I really enjoyed the fic.)
Anyway, I really well written! Hope you get lots of good votes! ^^
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This is still one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. The way you use words is inspiring, and the imagery you conjour -the birds, the wards, the way the anomalies break the walls of the world- are simply stunning. And how you weave a wistfulness through the whole story from start to finish, and a subtle sense of heartache in every interaction between the characters, made me sigh because it was so perfect.
I can't score you, since we're apparently rivals now, but I promise you that if I could, it would be highly. Thank you so much for entering this competition, and I hope to see you in next year's Olympics.
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When I saw you were my opponent I made a pretty unattractive sound. I still haven't read your fic [I'm going super-slowly with them] but I can't wait to~ I would love to do this all over again next year, it's been awesome.
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2. How well written was the fic? 9
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 9.5
This was a really interesting take on the prompt! There haven't been many fics set in canon this Olympics, and this one works extremely well. The world you've created feels like one they would visit in the manga; it feels fully-realised, incorporates suitable post-canon concerns for Kurogane and Fai, and really nails their dynamic. And it also has thematically appropriate cameos! The focus on dangerous magic and the edge of wistfulness that permeated the atmosphere - as well as birds everywhere - throughout the fic made a lot more sense once Suu was revealed as the mage. Once she showed up, I half expected Karura to arrive too! I loved the inclusion of Suu and Oruha; I wish their backstory had been a little more fleshed-out, but that's just because I can never get enough of them. The lack of knowledge about them didn't negatively impact the story; the gang are never going to fully understand everyone they meet in different words, after all.
Your writing was incredibly atmospheric and evocative. I loved the juxtaposition of the greenhouse, bursting with life and warmth, explicitly cultivated to be a safe place; and the dreary world swathed in ominous fog, where everyone minds their own business quite desperately and the tension is palpable. Thank you for writing this!
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I was kind of really getting into Suu and Oruha by the time I started rushing toward the end. I really wish I'd spent more time on them, and especially their interactions with each other, because they are seriously fun to write about. I would even consider writing some kind of Clover AU focused exclusively on them!
Thanks again for voting, I'm really glad you enjoyed it. :D
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A VERY interesting take on the prompt! Not what I expected at all, but something you handled with a lot of creativity.
2. How well written was the fic? (1-10) 9/10
Your prose is really solid but descriptive at the same time - I loved sentences like "The sight reminded him of the frosted windows inside great halls and daunting libraries full of runes, the shadows a little too like their inhabitants in his mind’s eye." and "a dull, immortal tone that he recognised as emptiness". Your characterisation was also spot-on for a post-series fic - I loved how honest and how real Kurogane and Fai were with each other. KUROGANE ASKING FAI TO GO BACK TO SUWA WITH HIM WAS PERFECT TBH, I've read a million versions of how that conversation might go and this was one of the most genuine. "I need you." [curls up in a corner with emotions] I do feel that the pacing towards the end was a little bit rushed - I would have liked it to go on for longer!
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 10/10
A really nice and thoroughly-constructed fantasy read, with lots of great shippy moments that felt genuine and happymaking without being too sappy.
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I AM SO GLAD YOU LIKED THE SUWA SCENE, that is such a huge compliment! I wasn't even planning to put it there until I actually wrote it, so I wasn't necessarily expecting it to go down well. That it did makes me very happy. -flails-
I regret having wrapped it up so hastily though, especially now that I've left it a while and can really picture what sort of ending I could have written for it. I do plan to edit it later and create a stronger ending, but for now it is what it is I suppose.
Anyway thanks again for the comment, I really appreciate the feedback and I'm glad you enjoyed it! :D
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It wasn't that obvious if you didn't know what the prompt was but you used it in a very interesting way.
2. How well written was the fic? 10
Your portrayal of the characters and their dynamics is spot-on and you are great at describing the scenery and what's going on with clarity but also in such a poetic way? How do you write like this? Tell me your secrets.
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 9
I just, that was so cute ; w ; All your kurofai and family interactions were so warming in a subtle and fitting way, including the mentions of Sakura. I loved them ; ^ ;
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The fact that you found it cute is the highest praise, seriously. I'm so happy that I managed to portray them in a way that was fitting.
Thank you for the feedback and thanks for voting!