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kurofai2015-06-23 06:17 pm
farenmaddox) wrote in kurofai2015-06-23 06:17 pm
Entry tags:
(Team Sci-Fi) [Daddy Daycare] Icarus
Title: Icarus
Prompt: Daddy Daycare
Rating: T
Warnings: One very mild sex scene, some language. One of the characters uses prostheses.
Notes: Huge shout-out to our very amazing chairperson/moderator
cloverfield , without whom none of this would be possible. A special thank you to aythli and to little_echo for some early feedback on the pronouns thing. I appreciate all of you.Click here to read 'Icarus'
Thank you for reading! How did I do?
Please score my fic according to these guidelines:
1. How well did this fic fit the prompt? (1-10)
2. How well written was the fic? (1-10)
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)
Please remember that you must provide some form of identification, either by logging into dreamwidth, or by providing a link to a blog or profile on another site, for your vote to be counted!
scores
(Anonymous) 2015-06-25 06:36 pm (UTC)(link)I like this fic, the sci-fi was strong but I feel the family theme is much stronger than 'daddy day care prompt. Is that being too specific?? Like if I was to read this without knowing what the prompt was I wouldn't have specifically guess 'daddy day care' but more sci-fi family drama??
So a 7
2. How well written was the fic? (1-10)
I love how you progressed the story with the different characters pov.
I appreciate how you decided to use gender neutral terms, it really help with the world building and show without explaining the social norms of this fic. But in the beginning and through out some parts I got lost because I didn't know who was being referred to or addressed in the 3rd person terms especially when there was more than one person in the description or conversation.
So a 6
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)
I did very much enjoy this fic- I feel that you really show Kuro and Fai's relation is more than just love at first embarrassing interaction. That their relationship is something much deeper and that they are a family unit. I love that so much
So you get a 10
I am sorry if my crit doesn't make sense, or if you feel that I was harsh/mean? But I did enjoy your fic truly! If you would write an epilogue I would eternally love that!! Also they were together for 4 years right? I would love to read some fluffy (or smutty) scenes from that time period as well XD
oh and a link so you know I am real(or if you want to message me):http://winblossomwin.tumblr.com/
Re: scores
no subject
Fai's tears were warm on Kurogane's skin.
“We are this,” Fai whispered. “I never thought it would happen for me, but we are, and I'm so happy with you.”
“Fai . . .”
“Please, please, please don't leave me.”
I think I'm going to have to put this fic on par with The Sacred and The Profane in terms of how much of an emotional wreck I was after reading this. I cried more times reading this than I did for almost anything else I have ever read, and in public too; I couldn't hold the tears in, but oh god, did I ever try. They leaked out, even when I screwed my eyes shut, and after finishing I had a heavy head; that kind of 'hangover' you get when you read really powerful words and then don't know how you can go back to the real world after. This was agonising in the excruciatingly sad yet hopeful way really good tragedies are- and it hurt worse because there was hope, and it wasn't just bleak despair.
1. How well did this fic fit the prompt? 10/10
There's an old saying 'it takes a village to raise a child' and I really felt like you'd taken some of that concept and added it to your interpretation of the prompt. The way their families just blend together from the most innocuous of starts, and the way that these two single parents come together and try to keep their families from falling apart is brilliant. And, for me, the moment where the adults have the children gathered together in their daycare group, distracting them from their imminent death through as much fun and games as they can give in their bleak environment was chilling. I didn't expect to see the daycare concept twisted like this for the sci fi theme and you did it masterfully; it was so, so clever, and for me, this fic was an incredibly interesting and speculative take on the prompt. Not to mention how you turned a potentially sweet and fluffy prompt into a space drama of epic proportions.
2. How well written was the fic? 10/10
One of the reasons I love the science fiction and fantasy genres so much is their willingness to try something different. It's in the name: speculative fiction, where you take an idea or a concept and make it magical and fantastical and alien. And for me, you nailed this. You nailed this so damn hard it was stunning. I love the use of gender-neutral pronouns and forms of address. God. I have always despaired that English is a gendered language at its roots and is inadequate to express this concept, and for you to use this for every single character was fascinating and forces the reader to question their assumptions, and forces us to change the way we identify humans (or what humans might become, in the distant future) also.
Speculative fiction is meant to stretch our comfort zones, to dare us to think in ways we have not thought before, and you took that and you ran with it.
(on a similar note, Kurogane calling Fai out for not using correct and polite pronouns for nem just about slayed me. Oh, Kurogane, you are wonderful, and Fai, you have no tact. Never change, either of you.)
Your writing is stunning and perfect, as always. You use words so cleverly and viscerally that I can feel my belly clench with fear and my head spin with delight. The way the narrative bounces between the lead up to the current situation, and the way the current situation is spiralling into bleak and frightening despair, as well as the paralogues with Sakura's narration of nir thoughts and feelings and memories of everything that had happened (and her sharp, prickling protectiveness of nir daddy) is a perfect foil to it.
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 10/10
Fai had written a letter while the kids were drawing. At least, for a moment, that's what Kurogane thought it was. Then ne realized it wasn't exactly a letter. It was just three words.
Fai had covered the entire paper with it, repeating it over and over in nir loopy cursive. That was it.
Kurogane passed a shaking hand over nir eyes, and carefully folded all three pages back up and put them back in nir pocket. Ne wasn't going to share this or embarrass nemself in front of Karura.
Ne did eventually doze off, with nir hand resting on nir pocket as if to keep the pages from falling out.
I can't list everything I love about this. This was not an easy read. I was emotionally drained after reading, like I was after reading The Book Thief, like I was after finishing Puella Magi Madoka Magica for the first time. It will probably be a little while before I can read this again. And I know that when I do, it's going to hit me even harder. Thank you so much for writing this.
no subject
Although it does make me glad I battled my way through this fic and got to the end WITHOUT dumping it on you a hundred times, like I normally do. I wanted to give you scenes and get your feedback so many times, but I knew you had a lot on your plate . . . and now I get to see this first reaction from you, with a finished fic, and I'm kind of dying with joy at how much you like it?
I AM SO GLAD that you were seeing what I wanted to do by using the gender-neutral language and put forward this whole concept of the future having a 'village' mentality towards their children. I am just so, so, so glad. It was such a struggle to try to convey the concepts of this future without pulling the reader out of the actual plot, and I am just. So happy right now.
no subject
I felt that the prompt was filled well but it seemed that the relationship between the characters and the building of their family unit was stressed more than the prompt. Even so, I loved how you came up with such a unique way to fill it; especially the ‘it takes a village’ mentality.
How well written was the fic? 9
I feel like giving you a 0 for that ending. Pure torture! Aside from that, I had a bit of trouble with the gender neutral pronouns. There were some that just clashed in my mind for some reason and caused me to stumble a bit, maybe because they were too close to our 'normal' gender pronouns (ex. nir = her and ne = he). I’m thinking creating your own neutral pronouns should solve that problem and may actually help with the realism of the world you created. I also had a bit of trouble at the beginning figuring out the POV you were using and, though it may have been intentional to leave the reader wondering about it until the appropriate chapter was read, it was confusing (especially paired with our introduction to the gender neutral pronouns). Oh! I also caught one “him” in the story.
Now that the constructive criticism has been taken care of I can gush. Your writing is beautiful, stunning, and absolutely enthralling! I really love the world you created and how you used POV changes to give insight to the characters to help make them seem more deep and real. Having some flashbacks thrown in to give more information and give the reader a sense of connection to the characters was also a nice touch, though they were a challenge to distinguish sometimes. The one with the nosey (judgmental) parents thinking Fai a domestic was so spot on!
How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 10
You created a magnificent world with characters that were so real it seemed like they may jump off the page. You did such a wonderful job that I actually felt pain and sadness along with them. I truly hope you will eventually expand on this world. I would love to know what happened to Kurogane and Karura on the “alien” planet, what adventures Sakura and Sayoran go through to find them, and of course a happy reunion at the end.
no subject
Loved the wy the prompt was incorporated into the fic as a whole!
2) 10/10
So beautifully written, this was emotionally heart wrenching and beautiful in such a tragic way.
3) 10/10
My heart! Goodness! I'm so drained after the painful beauty of this!
no subject
to me it seemed a little strange the prompt "daddy daycare" in sci-fy, but you make something beautiful out of it.
2. How well written was the fic? 10/10
Your writing is great, this fic is beautifully written and it very enjoyable. I was a little bit lost with the pronouns at first, but i got used to it fast and plus it matches with the futuristic theme.(i too got this future headcanon that people just go "screw it" and don't use female and male pronouns anymore.)
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 10-10
This.Fic.Was.Amazing. I'm usually a stoic person when it comes to fiction, but damn, i had wet eyes at the end of this. You create a fantastic and emotional story and i did love every single moment of it. Every character was on point, the relationship was perfect and the drama was excellent. I'm in love with this.
PD:
""Fai had written a letter while the kids were drawing. At least, for a moment, that's what Kurogane thought it was. Then ne realized it wasn't exactly a letter. It was just three words.
I love you.
Fai had covered the entire paper with it, repeating it over and over in nir loopy cursive. That was it.""
i think you almost owe me a box of tissues in this part.
no subject
The sci-fi theme was great but the prompt could be just a little more evident.
2. How well written was the fic? 9/10
This story has great balance between action and emotional moments. I love everything: pace, plot, characters and their relationships, and even different POVs were used.
I had a bit of trouble with the gender neutral pronouns, mostly when reffering in the 3rd person in the descriptions.
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 10/10
This was wonderful story. And Fai's 'love letter' made me cry so much... Thank you farenmaddox.
no subject
genuinely superb worldbuilding, you accomplished a lot with comparatively little description and let events speak for themselves in a fantastically terse and utilitarian way? you expected the reader to put in quite a bit of effort and it paid off fantastically. thank you SO MUCH for using gender-neutral pronouns so effortlessly and for including intersex and gender variant characters, i cannot tell you how much it means to read about those themes in fic and it worked really well in the context of the story - it reinforced the futuristic, sparse-but-steadfast atmosphere of the commune.
also, THANK YOU FOR WRITING KUROGANE AND KARURA they are my lowkey brotp and i was SO EXCITED to see them interacting. i automatically love any fic that discusses karura and karyou bc they are SO IMPORTANT and you handled them so well. you write grief with a realism that is simultaneously painful and cathartic, and i adore how you structure your dialogue.
SO MANY little moments about this fic stabbed at my heart and i honestly teared up when kurogane found fai's note, but i think fai humming "take me away" to sakura was the worst? like i literally cannot handle this it's 2:30 AM please help
in general the tone reminded me very much of le guin, from the structure of the little community all the way through to themes of families separated by distance? and the ending was HEARTBREAKING but also incredibly uplifting. honestly this is such a striking fic and i'm so glad to have read it, even if it was painful
1. How well did this fic fit the prompt? 9/10
I loved that you used the idea of "daycare" in order to set up the idea of a foster-based, communal family unit? It's an excellent way of working the idea of "found families" into a sci-fi setting, and I think you wrote it very consistently throughout.
2. How well written was the fic? 10/10
You chose the tone and style very skilfully, and the terseness and starkness of the prose buoyed up the themes and atmosphere exceptionally well. This is a very thoughtfully written piece - the long sections of extended, semi-contextless dialogue contrasted with small but hard-hitting observations highlight the characters' emotional responses very effectively.
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 10/10
I honestly loved reading this. You've never been afraid to take risks and branch into more speculative areas with your fic, and it pays off spectacularly well here.
no subject
2. How well written was the fic? 10
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 10
What was this. WHAT EVEN WAS THIS.
(It was amazing, that's what.)
One of the things I loved so much is that there was very little infodumping. You expected the readers to roll with a lot of stuff, and it worked; it made the world feel a lot more real. It also allowed for us to really focus on the relationships and the family theme - both of which are HEARTBREAKING.
The supporting cast was great; I love it when CLAMP fic writers include other CLAMP characters in their works. The only drawback that had was that most of them have binary genders in canon, so it took me a while to get used to the pronouns. (There were also a few 'his/him's in there, referring to Kurogane and Fai, which threw me off a little.) The only other difficulty I had with the pronouns was that, with everyone using the same ones, it was sometimes a bit confusing in scenes with many characters. But really I loved that you used gender-neutral pronouns? It's something there should be way more of in sci-fi; I don't want to think that of all the things humanity could bring with them as they adapt to space, it's the gender binary.
I loved loved LOVED the structure of this fic. The switches between first and third person ratcheted up the tension as the story progressed, and the way the alternating chapters slowly revealed the plot was absolutely delicious. It felt right for the fic to end where it did; once we had confirmation that the aliens weren't doing creepy experiments or whatnot on Kurogane and Karura, and that they'd actually been set free, I didn't feel like I needed a reunion-style ending. It was so HOPEFUL and UPLIFTING ugh. (And also I love the image of Sakura and Syaoran going on a SPACE ADVENTURE to find Kurogane. It kind of parallels canon, actually.) That's what I love about sci-fi - looking to the future with hope.
This fic was an... experience, to say the least. Thank you for writing this!