(Team Sci Fi) [Nightlife] Tactile Tequila

[badluck_koi]

Title: Tactile Tequila Prompt: [Nightlife]
Rating: M Warnings: Alcohol Use, Language
Notes: I really spent more time world building than I should have. Every scene in this fic takes place in a larger fictional world that is now outside my control. I decided to narrow the focus of my fic when I realized what a monster I created! I need an escape rope quick! Anyone!
Awesome People: Chloe is a precious cinnamon bun and deserves all the thanks in the world. I couldn’t have gotten through this fic without your beta suggestions and encouragement. Zelinxia is also a precious cinnamon bun and the most enthusiastic cheerleader anyone could ask for. Thank you so much!
Summary: To come


Story Link


Thank you for reading! How did I do?
Please score my fic according to these guidelines:
1. How well did this fic fit the prompt? (1-10)
2. How well written was the fic? (1-10)
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)

Please remember that you must provide some form of identification, either by logging into dreamwidth, or by providing a link to a blog or profile on another site, for your vote to be counted! Please post comments on original post in the Kurofai community, so it will be easier to gather all the scores.

Notes: Edited to include a link to a cleaner version on my page where I fixed html problems. I am sorry for those who had to look at that formatted mess before.

Comments

[miyakodea]

How well did this fic fit the prompt? 8

Well there was a bar involved and I’m fairly certain that the story takes place at night. On those fronts I suppose it fits. Even so, I can’t help but feel that it is lacking in filling the prompt.

How well written was the fic? 6

The story seems incomplete to me. There is a lot of detail and you have certainly created an interesting universe (one I would love to explore more) but there are some places where I just had trouble understanding what was happening. More than once I needed to reread lines and even then I could not always figure it out. I’m still not entirely sure if you ever came out of the flashback at the end of the story. There were some other minor errors that are quick fixes (font change and missing parentheses).

How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 6

I really enjoyed how creative you were. The characters included had some clever lines and your world building was fantastic. There are just other elements to the story that seemed lacking or confusing which made it hard to fully enjoy the story. I have no doubt you could rework this into a masterpiece and am really just assuming that the deadline is what spawned most of the issues. If you ever rework it let me know. I would love to give it another read!

[badluck_koi]

Thank you. I was very worried that my story would be too disjointed to even enjoy a little. I think this was the worse planning I had for the Olympics. I wrote more to the story and more scenes. When the deadline loomed closer, I kind of realized that I tried to wrangle in too much for a story, but I wanted to give a small bit of it. I am glad I was able to do that much. Even now, this is pretty much half the story I wanted to cover with the bar, and I am still writing part 2. I hope I can deliver more soon and fix a lot of problems.

The font is ugly as hell ;___;. I had html problems. It was late when I posted so I was way too done with livejournal code. Asked Clover about it and I might have had this problem because I copied from word on to rtf and it does weird things with your code. I think I can just retry posting another cleaner version on my timeline and hope it doesn't mess up. This is a legitimate criticism an ugly format can affect the aesthetic of a story and make it less enjoyable.

Thanks again for showing interest. I know I might have been better off stepping down considering I had a lot going on, but I am very stubborn.

About the flashback. I am really sorry for the confusion. I wrote the beginning when I planned on pulling out of the flashback. It's all in flashback... which now makes no sense because considering practically the whole story takes place around that time, it isn't needed. That probably should have been changed and I should have started with the ship docking and ended at the bar.

I hope it doesn't sound like I am making excuses.

[kittenintheskyy]

1) 8/10
It quite literally fit the prompt, which is great but not entirely unique. Like I love the idea you have here!
2) 7/10
The story seems to be disjointed and a bit puzzling I think, especially towards the end? I was very confused in like the last quarter of the story. I love this world you've built though and I NEED MORE OF IT! Outerspace is so fun to play around in and the ideas you've got going here are so incredibly creative!
3)8/10
I enjoyed the story, and I'm so curious as to Kurogane and Fai's pasts and such, I just think it's in need of some work. Which I'm sure you'll totally be able to put into the work once life becomes less crazy and y'know the Olympics aren't hanging over you! :)

[badluck_koi]

It quite literally fit the prompt, which is great but not entirely unique. Like I love the idea you have here!

The prompt is heavy handed. I just realized that I could have made less prompt name drops. I did panic when I realized the idea I had to link the prompt did not fit in the scenes I wrote.... Rereading it, you can tell I panicked when I didn't get that far in the story and dropped really obvious references to the prompt XDDDD.

After judging, I am going to cut the ending scene and re-work it.

As far as the world-building. I'm so ecstatic that caught readers' interest. I spent a lot of time on that part... a disproportionately long time reading Steven Hawking's official website, studying the possible application of photons, and a ridiculously long time playing with words to create acronyms for space technobabble. The sci fi genre can trap you with details if you're not careful. *nervous laugh*

[dazedream]

1. How well did this fic fit the prompt? 9
2. How well written was the fic? 7.5
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 8.5

The beginning part that led us into the flashback felt redundant, honestly. It did tie the fic firmly to the prompt from the very first line but other than that, as it was never referred to again, the information it gave us seemed a bit irrelevant; and because of that, I get the sense that this fic is one part of a larger whole.

I really enjoyed the sci-fi elements of this, especially the sense of a great wide world out there, but at times they took focus from the prompt and in places the infodumping got a bit heavy. I really loved the remaining Earth influences ("When humans left Earth, they took a bit of it with them."); that remembrance is exactly the sort of thing I love in my speculative fiction, and it really warmed my heart. The image of Kurogane as a trader is an intriguing one - it's a profession that requires diplomacy but also Kurogane's characteristic hardness (...that sounds dirty but I couldn't figure out another way to phrase it that got across my meaning, sorry!). Mokona's little 'Mokona is the only Mokona' speech was utterly charming and brought a smile to my face, as did Kurogane's reaction. I also loved the nod to Yuuko.

The bar scene strongly reminded me of their bar scene early on in canon, what with them still being highly unfamiliar with each other, and Fai's tangible wistfulness. And Fai is a hologram? Um, wow! That wasn't what I expected coming into the fic (though I didn't have solid expectations, just anticipation of how you would mix the genre with the prompt); despite the sci-fi setting and the considerable building-up of holograms throughout the story, I was still shocked by the reveal. However, the theme of illusion and reality/unreality in that scene didn't seem to flow from the rest of the fic. It was fascinating, but didn't feel organic, despite the earlier presence of holograms.

This was a very creative work! Your worldbuilding efforts showed through even in the dialogue, which is super impressive. Thank you for writing!

(PS: I'm wondering what EMH means - all I can think of is the Avengers cartoon! If it was explained in the fic, then I missed it, sorry.)

[cloverfield]

“Most people who come to this place enjoy the illusion. It is fun to pretend. When you think about it, though, as much as people want to fall for the dream, deep down, they know magic doesn’t exist.”

The people in the bar and the Celtic furnishings vanished. It looked as if the metal soaked up the scenery. Only Kurogane and Fai stood alone at the colorless countertop, a few simple stools, chairs and tables were all that remained. “For some of us, pretend is all we have,” his voice was wistful as he once again leaned his elbows on the counter.

1. How well did this fic fit the prompt? 8/10

You know, simple is not always bad, and it can't be denied that this is an effective sci-fi interpretation of the nightlife prompt. The world you're building here of shady, seedy little bars littered around a space port begs for exploration, and in a way, reminds me a lot of Cowboy Bebop: that soft sci-fi grunge of a slightly grubby, slightly sad future where our hopes for star travel have faded like the lights of distant worlds. And I love that melancholy feeling this fic has in spades.

2. How well written was the fic? 7.5/10

I know you had a lot of difficulty writing this, and I know it's incomplete, but I'm really proud of you for participating. And I'm so thankful you posted something up; it means a lot to me as contest mod that you worked hard and gave us something lovely to read. I think that with a little polish, and the chance to continue, this fic will be a really great one. You've got a good grasp on the world you're building, and while the scene transition and use of flashback could be tightened up, to me, it doesn't detract at all from the cleverness of your imagery. I especially loved the description of the bar and how it was fooling Kurogane's senses, and your establishing spiel about space colonisation had some really interesting concepts that are just begging to be expanded on.

(Giant Space Cockrel made me snort inappropriately, so mad kudos for that. Oh, it was great!)

3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 8/10

Was there a moment he asked himself about Fai’s existence? On some level, he knew the moment that he laid eyes on Fai, he wanted to believe the illusion.

There wasn’t enough tequila in the bar to go back to that feeling.

This reminds me of the Clover bar scene in Outo so much. There's that bittersweet longing tied up in the melancholy of the surrounds, which works really well with the prompt: nightlife isn't just about bright lights and wild and crazy fun, after all. People drink to forget, not just to enjoy themselves, and the concepts of 'unreality' and 'illusion' work so well with that feeling you're creating here.

I hope you have the time and inspiration to continue this, because I'm really looking forward to seeing how this story unfolds. If there's anything I can do to help with betaing, or just being a sounding board, please let me know :)