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[Team Canon] (Under a Blackened Sky) Always In This Twilight
Prompt: Under a Blackened Sky
Title: Always In This Twilight
Rating: PG-13/Soft R
Warnings: Angst - Kurogane angst, light sexual content towards the end
Spoilers: The entire series, including Kurogane’s past
Author’s Note: I was originally the understudy for the whole event, so I stepped in exactly a week before my post date. So I tried my best girls, I really tried! Many thanks and love to
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badluck_koi, kittenkin, farenmaddox, and tsubasafan for listening to my woes, providing feedback, and supporting me enduringly.Rage, rage against the dying of the light
- Dylan Thomas
Tonight the full moon is on his side.
With his hands tight on Ginryuu, Kurogane edges carefully along the highest roof of the castle, leaving all of his senses open for the tell-tale signs of would-be assassins sneaking along the perimeters who dare to lay their hands on the Tsukuyomi. Time will only tell as he lurks in the shadows, waiting for that moment when those fools will reveal themselves under the canopy of the clear moonlit sky and he can then unleash his weapon all he wants until nobody except him on the rooftop is alive and breathing.
Then, and only then, will he be able to rest in good conscience.
Something was wrong and she knew it – felt it rooms away after you woke up, drenched in cold sweat from all the tossing and turning. But then again, she’s your mother and even though you always tried to act so strong (never weak, ever) in the company of Father, you’re glad she’s just Mother so you cried as she wrapped her arms around you and let you rest your head against her chest.
“Tell me what you dreamed,” she said at once, and you did, your nightmares of demons lurking in your room, grotesque yellow eyes leering from all corners, waiting, watching to catch you unguarded and attack you in your sleep.
Mother continued to calm you down and reassured that it was common for children to have the dreaded fear of demons hiding in the shadows in their rooms. Wiping away your tears she said that it was nothing to be afraid about because Father was always out there with the men being dutiful and strong to protect the province from the enemies.
“And that is what you will do one day, my child,” she finished, tucking you in once again for that night and you know that to be true.
No more nightmares. No more restless sleeps from now on so you can be strong too as the heir of the fiefdom.
One moment he is up there, glowering at the prospect that he had just spared the princess from harm once again, blood splattered across his cheeks and dripping off of Ginryuu. The next he is pulled into a vortex with a curse, cursing at Tomoyo and enraged until he lands somewhere else where it’s dark and pouring rain – and finds out this place is also called Nihon. But this isn’t the same one as home. The buildings, the air, the strangers and their auras – everything is too foreign for his taste and too foreign for his range of comfort. And that’s the problem. All this unfamiliarity leaves him unsettled, instinctively pulling Ginryuu closer to him and constantly shifting his eyes in scrutiny, especially at that witch and that –
Kurogane doesn’t even know where to start with this blue-eyed stranger. To him, everything about this foreign man sends off vibes of uneasiness. His fair looks and his calm, eerily polite mannerisms and his attire of white sorely stick out in this sea of darkness and gloom hovering over them all. There’s something suspicious about him, and it’s more than just seeing that he is a mage. His supreme knowledge and his rather careful words convey that he is a man full of secrets, and as a top-tier warrior and bodyguard Kurogane naturally wants to be careful around this ghostly foreigner.
“Your price will be your sword.”
“What?” he bellows. He pulls Ginryuu away from that untrustworthy witch defensively, and in response she smiles slyly, adding to his aggravation. How dare she – demanding to take away a warrior’s weapon? The copy of Ginryuu isn’t just like any sword. He needs it (like a security blanket or the warm touch of a mother’s hand; but he’s an adult and a warrior so Ginryuu and this need are different) and he won’t easily hand it in.
In the end he parts with the copy of his father, his family’s sword, much at the damned annoyance on equally both the witch and the mage’s part. For the second time he enters a vortex, away from this Nihon, away from his Nihon, away from the dark canopy of rainclouds that clears up as soon as he and the rest leaves, and the witch then greets the clearing of the sky with sincerity and her own blessings.
The nights were growing worse. More demons had been showing up as of late within Suwa’s borders, even entering further than previously. Father was out more, longer, and came back more exhausted and with nastier injuries but he still always sport that optimistic grin of his that would instantly warm up the household and boost the morale.
But Mother was not getting better – no matter how many fish you caught for the cooks or took time in between sparring and tending to duties to look over her. For many nights you couldn’t sleep so you’d sneak into the shrine and bend on your knees, praying to the gods and the holy guardian dragon of water that watched over the lands fervently for the sake of Mother and Father, convincing yourself that you need to get stronger, fast. With the last of the words sent, you touched your forehead to the ground one last time and headed back to sleep.
This world they are in is too unsettling. The area is lush, full of flora and fauna and with a wide lake in the center. No signs of civilization or people are within the proximity of their landing, and in the unexpected silence Fai, Kurogane and Mokona have split up away from the teenagers, venturing into the heart of the woods. The further they go in the more fog creeps in, adding to the ambience. Kurogane keeps his senses alert. Who knows what mysterious and unwanted enemy (or creature) will spring out of the fog or this tree or that one, especially in the dark?
“It sure is getting foggier,” the mage remarks, and he grins stupidly as always.
“Yeah, it’s dark,” says the manjuu bun from inside his cloak.
“I’m surprised we haven’t seen anyone or any nearby villages and we’ve walked for quite a while. Isn’t that very strange?”
“It’s scary!” Mokona confesses, and while Kurogane quietly sighs in irritation and continues to keep all of his senses open for any sudden attacks, he figures the manjuu has a point.
“Don’t worry, I’m right here.”
Then, in a voice that sounds frighteningly familiar – “Kurogane is very happy!”
“Who the hell is ‘Kurogane’?” the real Kurogane barks. He fishes the conniving creature out of her hiding place and chucks her over his shoulder where she catapults in the air, spinning and laughing, until Fai catches her.
“Kurogane is angry,” Mokona confides to Fai, who grins and laughs along with her. It doesn’t sound as hollow as many other times the ninja had witnessed the mage doing so. While that observation is not disconcerting, they are still laughing at him, the insolence. It’s not funny, and he scowls.
“Don’t mess around with me! I’m not a child who’s afraid of the dark,” he says in petulance. But instead of delivering it in a menacing tone that says he is still not one to mess with as he had hoped, something unexpectedly lodges in his throat, causing those words to be mangled that he pushes it away before they can notice it. It’s too late, however, and the laughter stops.
“Kuro-tan?”
In a raged (not helpless, for gods’ sake, not helpless) fit, he storms off back towards where Syaoran and Sakura should still be, ignoring the mage’s concerned query. So what if Fai is actually being serious for once and trying to probe into him – that hypocrite. This is none of his business, and besides, it’s something that Kurogane shouldn’t be bothered about anymore.
“Hey, brat, I heard you still weren’t asleep yet.”
Father had just come back home from another fresh wave of demon intrusion, and it was late. The wind was howling outside, the tree branches rattling off of the windows. You pulled your covers further up your face, ashamed and humiliated that he caught you lying there fully awake and completely terrified. Surely he wasn’t going to ever let you forget about this.
“Son?”
There was no laughter left in his voice, no teasing off the roll of his tongue as he stepped in and went up to where you were, a soft frown on his mouth that replaced the usual relaxed grin. He sat down next to you, the sound of his armor weighing heavily, and he placed a hand over your forehead.
“Are you scared of the dark?”
You wanted to shake your head and convinced him that it wasn’t. It wasn’t always like this - you used to sleep so well soundly all the time when you were four or five or even six. But now at seven years old – you didn’t even know. Father sighed.
“It’s okay. But I just want to let you know that there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Finally, you had the courage to say, quietly however, “Really?”
“Yes, brat,” he said, smiling, soothing as always. “I’m right here, and will be until you fall asleep, alright?”
You nodded your head. Yes, that was true. He was home, safe and sound, for this evening and for many to come. Closing your eyes, you started drifting into a deep, deep sleep…
“Demon hunter, you say?”
Kurogane folds his arms and leans back against the wall of the property they’re given, feeling the blood inside of him boiling. It’s perfect, too perfect. This whole time he’s been itching without Ginryuu or another sword in his hand, too damn bored not fighting, and he needs something to fight real bad. Demons – hunting down demons for a living, he can go with that. He smirks, hungrily.
“Sounds interesting.”
Never, you thought, never could you hated demons so much until now, as blood, human blood, dripped from the jaws. But you did, you really did.
You picked up Ginryuu.
It’s nighttime. It always has to be nighttime, and he can’t stand it, hates it with every ounce of anger and frustration in his system. What good is it if he’s just sitting there, watching over the princess and the manjuu in the wreckage of the café (that the mage, that idiotic mage, seemed to be happy running) when the kid is out there saying he will deal with that cold, murderous bastard. It’s foolish. Syaoran isn’t even ready to wield his sword, and yet Kurogane had let him go on his own, even though he’d rather take out Souhi and unleash his fury on that man personally. In reality, the only thing that had stopped him from doing so is the curse Tomoyo placed on him.
Fai’s not worth it to risk his strength, he tries to reason. Absolutely not. Ever since they have been thrown together in this feather hunting journey all the warrior has been subjected to from the blue-eyed magician are those excruciating nicknames, taunts, horrible attempts of whistles, and sheer idiocy complete with those unimpressive smiles and cheeky looks coming from his way. Nobody who seems to take every moment and snippets in life – even in life-threatening ones – without any seriousness can ever be treated as someone worthy of a friend, a confidant, and Fai – well, he should be no exception.
But then he remembers the first time they were truly alone, stuck together in the dangerous room of acidic rain against the Kiishimu puppet. The mage then was still reckless and a coward, flitting around the pillars yet daring to tell him that he didn’t want to die at that moment but still choosing to just run away for as long as he can with the aid of his wish. The same had happened just a few nights ago. He was furious at the mage’s lack of respect and awareness for self-preservation, even disturbed with just how little Fai valued his life. (And to think then that it was so close at the hands of demons, demons, the same ones that were responsible just as much for nearly everything seven years ago).
Yet now, demons have been responsible for the ill, unexpected death of Fai, a death that could have been prevented, a death he did not witness firsthand but nevertheless takes it in with bitter, bitter anger. If it really was quick just as the bun had claimed, then it can only mean that the mage had done nothing to defend his life. Stood there, calmly, eagerly, waiting for that moment in the dead of the night. And the thought of that is too unsettling, too unacceptable for him. None of it makes sense; none of it seems fair. There was still something in that frightened look in those blue eyes of his when Kurogane had tried to knock some sense in him and knew he had unlocked another layer; something in that quiet, desperate plea in his voice when they were at the bar. All of that have been honest and all of those have shown far more than any of his other acts he could ever, ever pull off.
And now, minutes later after the demon killing spree, he stands atop of the ruins, facing the man responsible for his death with Souhi out, burning to be used recklessly and that daunting question pressing on his mind again. Is Fai’s vengeance worth it to risk everything?
Yes.
In the thick of summer nights you would stay up a little bit past your bedtime to sit outside on the veranda in the warm, hazy breeze with your parents, filled with the sounds of the chirping cicadas. The stars were out tonight, brilliantly painting the night sky and leaving you in complete awe as one by one you pointed to each of them until your fingertips barely touched the big full moon hovering over the horizon. All eyes followed to the celestial body gracing tonight and both Mother and Father smiled.
Father mused that he took advantage of the moonlight when he was out there fighting demons or unwanted bandits, or how when he was away at one of the villages overnight for important meetings he would simply soak in the beautiful view of it from outside. Mother said that one of the moon’s important roles was to protect people at night, especially in their dreams – much like how the Tsukuyomi of Shirasagi was born with the gift to visit other people in their dreams and have visions of the future. When the moon is full, its power was said to be stronger.
And that was why, she then said, that the full moon would always be on your side.
There’re many things about the country of Yama that Kurogane welcomes. The people speak a language that nearly resembles his native Nihongo. There are still some differences in the dialects and the accents, but he can understand them well and that’s all that matters because it’s probably the only way he and the mage can survive. Their customs and ways of life remind him of those in his youth (which stirs, deep inside, moments of happiness and nostalgia, but then follows immediately with that small kind of grief that’s just enough to hurt, so he would then always quickly finish his errands and make leave from the marketplace stalls).
And then there is Yasha-ou’s army.
The draft to be a soldier for the silent and mysterious king – more so of a phantom one – was something the expatriate warrior seized without any hesitancy, hungered for a real fight with humans. As such he takes to the training fields each and every morning with pride and welcoming, smoothly easing back into the rigorous demands that drills and preparations for war called for. The constant sounds of steel clashing with each other, whirs of arrows soaring through the air, men gathering round together during brief meals under the relentless sun and chit-chattering away all bring familiarity to him. This is better than the world of Outo and its despicable layouts, better than any other worlds they’ve been to. But nothing can ever compare to his Nihon and its beauty, the fresh air cloaked with the scent of cherry and lotus blossoms, the haunting sounds plucked from Kendappa’s harp, and the stillness and peacefulness that nighttime can only bring. For now, however, Yama will have to make do and Kurogane gives all he got in spite of the predicament he and Fai are in, too far away from the children and the little bun, unable to understand each other.
Fai’s language barrier isn’t the only thing the warrior has to begrudgingly worry about. His looks, his mannerisms, even his way of dealing with fighting all stand out in the most dangerous ways possible in front of Yasha-ou’s men. Forget about that time Kurogane felt unsettled by Fai’s ghostly first impression in front of the witch’s shop on that fateful day. They were already suspicious enough when they landed in Yama, but with Kurogane blending in with the rough soldiers and accustoms to their language and ways of the soldier’s life, Fai does not have much chance. Instinctively Kurogane latches on to Fai to shield him away from the cold stares from many of them, prattling off that he and only he will be responsible for this mute blond. And it's not because he puts Fai’s well-being as the most important reason he’s protecting him (he sometimes still remember that feeling of relief, his muscles relaxing and his heartbeat returning to normal when he saw that idiot alive). He just knows that, should the other three ever find their way back here, they would never be able to accept it were the mage to die on the field or be brutally killed at the hands of their fellow men. So really, he hopes that they all leave the damned mage alone, without preamble.
The promise is broken no sooner than a week has past since the time they landed here.
One night, just as he slowly lets himself relax and waits for sleep overtake him, he picks up the faint, faint sound of feet shuffling outside of their tent that is thin and small because that was the best left available for him and Fai. With one eye prying open after the other Kurogane carefully leaves his bed and picks up Souhi propped at the head side, and just like those many nights of edging ever so quietly on top of Shirasagi Castle he inches towards the tent flap, dodging any light that cast his way. He stops for a bit, waiting for a chance to make his own personal ambush without making much sound. In his dead tracks, his ears pick up the faint whispering amongst the soldiers outside.
“They both should be dead asleep by now.”
“Right - and it should be fast and easy. One swipe at his throat and he’s done for.”
“But don’t you think the other would-”
“Shhh, you’re too loud. I told ya, that man’s a threat. There’s no way anybody with his looks can be trusted. For all you know he could be a traitor.”
“Or worse, a bad spirit or demon meant to taint us on the battlefield.”
“But guys-”
“What part – did none of you damn bastards not understand?”
There’s abrupt silence, but it’s too late. Kurogane rips open the tent flap, dark eyes seething with rage. Most of them repress muffled screams with their hands while a few others hold out their choices of weapons. He doesn’t know why he didn’t intervene earlier in the first place, but he had enough. Souhi isn’t even needed at this moment. He breaks into his fists, aiming squarely but blindly in rage, not even feeling his knuckles being ripped open at the hard contact of others. How dare they, how dare they accuse Fai of all of those, even going down to seeing him as something low as a demon. Soon all but two of them run away and he hauls in the closest one with his bruised and bloodied fist, sweeping Souhi out and pushing her blunt edge along the neckline.
“P-please,” the soldier begs, whimpering, and if it isn’t for his curse or the fact that they’re in the same troop Kurogane would not hesitate to swipe him out clean right then and there.
“Not a word to anyone,” Kurogane growls. “This is your last warning. Leave the blond alone, and don’t ever think of touching him ever again.”
He lets go of the man’s collar and he sinks to the ground, clutching and nodding his head vigorously before running back out, but not before Kurogane can also say to him, “And you tell your friends, too.”
“Kuro-yu?”
Startled, Kurogane whirls around to see Fai rising from his bed, making his way towards him. The blond rubs his eyes, but pauses when matching black eyes seize upon bloodied fists. Kurogane notices how Fai bites his lips momentarily, before breaking out into that hideous grin.
“Eh? Kuro-ui…”
“S’nothing,” Kurogane snaps back. He hurries over to a station kit lodged in between their very few possessions to tend to his wounds, ignoring the taunts coming from Fai. Despite all those times he claimed the mage as an idiot, he knows that he couldn’t be one. Fai surely must know what happened, but Kurogane doesn’t have the time to mull over it. After tightly wrapping spare cloths over his knuckles, he turns around and still sees Fai standing there.
“Go to bed.”
Fai shakes his head and mutters something quickly in that gibberish of his own native language, before pointing a pale finger right back at Kurogane and saying something that could only mean that the warrior should head back to bed now, too.
“I’m fine,” he yells back, wishing he could wave his fists in such ridiculous proportions to speak for himself but obviously can’t. “Just … arghhh.”
Kurogane can hear Fai stifling in his laughter, then finally the sound of feet dragging off of the floor and a body lying back down on the stiff bed. Cursing, he goes back to his as well while still nursing his wounded knuckles. Granted, he’s been in far worse situations and injuries that would take far longer to recover from, and he’s fought off worse threats of peoples from Tomoyo and Kendappa. He knows that Fai is capable of defending himself, even proving to show that he’s just as strong a fighter as he is – if he even tries to save his own ass in the first place.
However, after lying back down, Kurogane can barely keep his mind still. He stares at the ceiling and scowls, quietly. It’s just as well that he is so trained and equipped to wake up to even the barest motion of an ant crawling this way and that way inches within his ears; but it’s another to still feel unsettled by something like tonight. He’s been in worse situations, watched over far more important people to stay awake at night in the face of looming threat. So why this, why now?
That’s it, he thinks darkly. No more evasions on the mage’s end. First thing tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn he is going to show Fai the ropes of a weapon – any of them, just so he can get his damn sleep back.
In truth, trying to train a mage is far more painful and headache inducing than he can ever imagine.
The first thing Kurogane tries of course is a sword. Pushing a practice one in Fai’s hands he then leads the blond in the basic poses and strikes, relying on the fluid of his body movement and techniques to take over his coarse words that can barely be apprehended by the other. Swish, swish, is what he tries to tell him, but schwack, schwook is how Fai ends up. After many fruitless hours, many yells and chases, Kurogane, impatient as he tends to be, seizes the wooden sword away from Fai, and hauls both of their asses back to the armory. If not for swords, then it has to be bows and arrows.
But it’s perfect, he thinks, as he ignores the subtle ways Fai’s body is protesting against him. It’s a long range weapon so he doesn’t have to worry so much about coming in and saving the mage’s neck constantly when it comes time for them to actually enter the battlefield. Plus, he’s seen the way Fai uses those cheap darts in Outo with such ease and precision. The time to master the art of archery varies, but when it is, one gains respect. With all of those put together, it makes perfect sense that the blond should take up that weapon.
By the time they pick up a worn down bow with a quiver full of splintered arrows and headed for the archery range field, the sun has nearly set down. Not wanting to waste any time before sounds called for evening meal time, Kurogane sets haste to show Fai the ropes. Running low on sleep and increasingly low on energy but full of intent, he stands by as the mage becomes accustomed to this new weapon. Several days and evenings later the center of the target is crammed with many arrowheads piercing it – and by then the calls of the nightly heavens lure them all to the dark and barren battlefield hovering under the glow of the full moon.
And it’s there, for the first time since he was exiled by his princess, that Kurogane can finally satiate his hunger for a good, bloodthirsty fight.
Some people seek peace and quietude before turning in and calling it for the night. Others turn to leisure activities or engage in pleasant conversations before bidding good nights for the time being. For Kurogane, it’s the rush of fighting, the lure of adrenaline and blood coursing through his body, and the power of dismantling down weaklings and enemies alike before he can truly call it a night and rest in good conscience. It gives him drive, gives him control because as a warrior he is always on the edge between rest and wakefulness. He can never think of parting away from his nightly duties back home, and that has been driving him crazy ever since Tomoyo had pushed him away with that curse of hers.
And that’s the thing. He can no longer go in for the kill, not even when there’s such a grand opportunity in this wretched battlefield. It angers him, frustrates him, not being able to fully seek what he always have been relying on. Instead he begrudgingly leaves it to the other men – and even more so as these nights go on – Fai.
Once the cruel targets of mistrust and accusations, the fair magician now gains command and attention on the party lines as he accelerates the rank of the highest archers under Yasha-ou’s army. In the corners of his eyes Kurogane sees Fai surveying the view so meticulously, so cold and calculated before drawing another bow and firing it away in mere seconds. No longer able to fully go in the kill the ninja has started to depend on the mage to cover in when he cannot. No words have to be spoken between them as they fight the night away, master swordsman and skilled archer working together in pure harmony. As the nights and the countless number of times they return to the same field wage on they push their way through the ranks, quickly and surely making their way to become the two strongest warriors to ever grace the country of Yama.
It’s so easy to get lost in this endless cycle of continuously training, eating, fighting, sleeping, and then repeat. Kurogane nearly loses count of how many nights, even months it’s been, but he knows by now that it has been four – a terribly and frightening long time. And yet he cannot help but get absorbed in it, thrilled of the familiar routine he swears by back in Nihon. All the familiarity, all the thrill of bloodshed returns to him, ending his sufferings with restlessness for far too long. By the time they return to the castle – because he and Fai have done it, earn the reward of keeping quarters within the confines of Yasha-ou’s place – he always quickly reports to the higher staff members before retreating to bed, but not before partaking in a drink or two with the mage.
But as time wages on, Kurogane starts to feel it come back. Perhaps it’s the fatigue, perhaps he knows that no matter how much he reveres his highest position that he and Fai have still yet to find the remainder of the traveling group. And it’s perhaps because of that thought that he finds himself unable to fall asleep until he repetitively runs through the motions that the time will come and that there will be a way.
Sometimes, he mentally curses at himself before turning on his side, hating how poorly he is in keeping still. It’s finally then that he notices the still figure of Fai sleeping, face flat down directly, and for the very first time he pays attention to the way the mage is, bathed directly in the moonlight. All those other times Kurogane thought Fai had looked off, different and unusual in his usual robes of white. But here tonight, curled and laid bare and vulnerable, Fai looked…
Beautiful.
Startled, he quietly rolls away to shun Fai from his view. He did not – Kurogane did not just…
Screw it, he thinks, shutting his eyes. So long as he figures Fai is fine and well then it’s all good. It’s the thought that the mage is safe and fine (and nothing to do with how he looks in the moonlight, so still and at ease and nothing like he’s ever seen before) that should keep him sane and get some shut-eye. He will not do this again, absolutely not.
Kurogane swears a part of Tomoyo’s curse entails that he’s losing his ninja’s discipline the more he fights.
The next night ends up being the same – lying there restless before ending up turning on his side to conveniently have another look of the mage lying still, the back of his smooth, pale neck exposed to the moonlight, sun-silk hair spilling over the pillow. And the next night, and the next, and gods know how many more.
As he finally wills himself to roll back for the umpteenth night Kurogane starts to feel the strange void of sleep overwhelming him – but not before he hears something, a quiet whelp.
Cursing, he opens his eyes again. Black eyes roam quickly to where the source is coming from. It’s Fai, whose face is still stubbornly married to his pillow – but he’s whimpering or something like that. Nightmares. From a few feet away Kurogane sees pale hands slowly clenching into fists, grasping on the sheets. Inexplicably drawn by it, the warrior stays still, thinking that he should just go back to sleep when in reality he cannot.
For all those times Fai’s been awake he has been thoroughly lying to everyone, and is still evading Kurogane with his body language in this world. But tonight, in the dead of the night, the blond is being honest. While sleep is robbed from Kurogane, sleep tells something real and raw for Fai. It isn’t the first time he is aware of their shared sense of waiting and wondering when they will finally run into the kids and the bun, but tonight – it’s not quite the same. It has been a long time since Kurogane has endured nightmares (because that was part of ninja training, anyways, to keep sleep as undisturbed as possible), but in the small, dark room they both share, they have something in common in the moonlight.
Kurogane silently gets out, walking over to where Fai is who is lost in his own nightmares. Deep inside of him his body is stirring, wanting, needing. He reaches just short of inches away from Fai’s body, standing so close to his head. Before he knows it, his hand reaches out, hovering over wisps of blond bangs and then gently brushes them aside. He doesn’t even know what he’s doing (you’re just sleep deprived, you’re just sleep deprived), quietly revering in the sensation of hair within his fingertips, and solemnly remembering (his hands swept through her hair lovingly, kissing it before parting for the very last time, never coming back).
I’m right here.
In the blink of an eye, he suddenly feels the urge to brush his fingers over pale neck, imparting ghostly kisses over it like stars scattered across the blackened sky. But instead, something pulls him away, and in a deep stupor he curses before bringing himself back to bed and finally enters a deep, deep sleep.
The next day, Fai no longer speaks gibberish. When he asks aloud in a teasing manner if Kurogane had said ‘I’m right here,’ the night before, the warrior flat out denies it.
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
- Florence + The Machine
It’s all startling, the way Syaoran had passed out in the library moments ago and then woke up and had asked to speak to Kurogane privately, only for the warrior to find out what it was that was upsetting the kid. The way he had described his past in vivid details until that moment, even saying that for a brief moment he saw nothing but pitch black along with the hallowed sound of the beating heart and the flushed roar pounding in his ears. And for a moment, he nearly pales completely from the horrific recollection (because he knows why the kid was immersed in total darkness for a bit, and he hopes to never remember what he exactly had felt in that moment), until he calmly remembers that what happened was in the past and this is the present.
Syaoran doesn’t deserve to suffer his own burden. Not him, not Tomoyo or Kendappa or anyone else, and that’s how it is supposed to be. After telling the kid off about that and seeing him lighten up for a bit he tries to ease up again as well, but then –
“Kurogane-san, I don’t know if I should say this or not, but…”
He knows where this is going, and something inside of his stomach painfully churns. Of course Syaoran must have seen those times; all those awful nights of his boyhood. But he pushes that aside he says, “Go ahead.”
“Were you,” Syaoran says, treading carefully and surely knowing that Kurogane knows, “always unable to sleep well at night? I mean – you don’t have to answer me at all and I understand – but, sometimes I’ve seen you lying wide awake.”
Always, it always has to come back to this as of late, but that’s okay, he tells himself, before crossing his arms firmly and gives a firm look at Syaoran.
“Yeah. But over time I’ve worked on it and it’s no longer a big deal.”
Fourteen – you were only fourteen when everything was taken away from you that burning night.
All around you Suwa was burning, the foul smell of flesh and demon and hairsplitting screams piercing under the blackened sky. You couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, couldn’t wake up from this nightmare unfolding right in front of your eyes so you grabbed Ginryuu and felt the singe of demon blood, the cold satisfaction of eliminating them.
Everything was blacking out but you felt like you were dying and you just wanted to be pulled out of this nightmare and wake up…
It wasn’t a nightmare.
You didn’t remember what happened, but Mother’s still dead and Father’s nowhere to be found. It was late and the moon was up and you’re tired beyond reason and you just want to sleep and wake up to another day where everything is okay, but it won’t be, because all of this is real and it hurt. They’re dead and you didn’t have a home anymore. You couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, couldn’t breathe as you cried uncontrollably and wept into the cold arms of your mother’s body.
Fourteen – you were only fourteen, and the night had never felt so cruel and lonely.
He wakes up, drenched in cold sweat and breathing rapidly. It has been years since Kurogane dreamed about that awful burning night, and the onset of the traumatic flashbacks makes him sick in his stomach.
Without making any noise he leaves for the bathroom where he turns on the faucet and splashes cold water on his face. He looks in the mirror, staring right at his paler than usual visage. (You’re not fourteen anymore; you’ve come a long way to deal with your restlessness).
“Kurogane?”
It takes all effort not to scream in anger and frustration. “What?”
Mokona trembles, but nevertheless joins the distraught warrior in the bathroom and hops on top of the sink. “Mokona was worried. Mokona sensed something was wrong and woke up and saw Kurogane heading over to the bathroom so Mokona thought she should check on Kurogane.”
For all her small size and loud mouth and her horrible habit of dumping them all into new worlds rather unceremoniously, there really is more to her than meets the eye. He sighs, roughly pats her on the head, and says, “Bad nightmare, no big deal.”
She frowns. “Mokona knows Kurogane will be fine because Kurogane is strong and all, but Mokona knows Kurogane is also feeling sad and because Kurogane is feeling sad Mokona is also sad.”
He holds down a lump rising in his throat. “You talk too much,” he complains, grabbing her by her ears and hauling both of them back to the single bedroom they all share.
“Go to sleep,” he tells her right after he tosses her back to where both Sakura and Syaoran are sleeping. He then goes back to the bed he and Fai are sharing, ignoring the still figure of the mage whose face is still glued to the pillow.
As he lies there and stares at the dark ceiling he counts and breathes until his heartbeat calms down, until he can put away the familiar heartache, and until a dreamless sleep overwhelms him.
“It’s okay,” Tomoyo said, picking up your bandaged hand in her tiny, delicate hands. She was smiling, always was, but you ignored the waves of sympathy swimming in her eyes. You don’t need this, not now, not ever, but you couldn’t fight her away from you.
“It’s okay to have nightmares.”
Something in your throat tightened and you nearly choked a sob but you held it back. “Tomoyo-hime…”
“I assure you,” she resumed, and how was it possible for someone at her age to be so sure, so calm? “You are welcome at this castle for as long as you need. For now, rest some more.”
With that said, she quietly left you to be and you laid there, eyes too dry from tears and your head hurt but you didn’t think you could fall back asleep so easily, not even with the full moon looming outside of the window.
Blood seeps everywhere – bloody eye socket and blood-stained fingers and blood dripping off of his mouth (blood,human blood, dripped from jaws).
He’s so angry that he nearly can’t see or breathe, but he must, he must remain vigilant – even though he doesn’t even know who the kid is anymore and the mage – the mage… (You’re fourteen again - furious, helpless, but hurt, so very hurt).
Acid rain. Another dark sky. All of it is a blur, another reality gone wrong that starts to spiral out of control (but you hold on because someone has to and you’re the only one that will).
Blood seeps everywhere – blood from a vampire, blood from a warrior, blood dripping into the parched mouth of a magician. Shedding blood not for death, but for life (‘until then, live’).
He no longer writhes in pain, and there is a brief window of honest contact between gold and red eyes before the magician turned vampire collapses into sleep.
(Because you can’t lose anybody precious again.)
He’s so tired, or at least his body is but his mind says so otherwise. Although his efforts have ensured that Fai will remain alive, it still doesn’t take away the lingering losses and sufferings. The kid, who he had begrudgingly offered to show him how to use the sword and who had so much to offer as well, is gone, replaced by his original copy and leaving all of them in their various wakes. The burning look of determination tiding over sorrow and anguish in Sakura’s eyes is enough of a sign, and moments before she embarks to retrieve the rare item to pay back the witch in the complicated exchange to save Fai’s life, she asks Kurogane to look after the blond. Not much else has to be said between two people who are awake and left torn asunder but are fighting still, so he simply nods his head and says that they will all be here waiting for her.
And so he is left alone, leaning back against the stony pillar and ignoring the throbbing pain from his burnt back. Weary red eyes hover around his surroundings with Syaoran and Mokona huddled in the corner before he goes back to his primary target of concern to guard over. In his moment of exhaustion and drain from blood loss, Fai looks ghostlier than ever before, breathing sharply in his painful sleep.
It’s then he realizes that it’s the first time he has ever seen Fai sleeping face side up, and the differences are as clear as day but as brutal as the leftover blood stains on the mage’s turtleneck. The black eyepatch tied around his wounded area can only hide the extent of the damages enacted on him. His face is gaunt, thin veins exposed in the harsh glare of the moonlight seeping in from the cracks in the ceiling above them. Sheens of sweat trickle down of his temples. Yet no matter how much his body is ravaged from the loss of an eye and so much blood afterwards, there’s still something that pulls Kurogane in. His face is truly etched with the honesty of pain and loss, more than smiling or laughing or even sleeping face down can ever say, and because of that Kurogane finds it all alluring. Haunted and unexpectedly moved, he carefully lifts his fingers and swipes away sticky strands from his forehead.
Fai then lets out a sharp, rattling gasp, lips trembling momentarily before he quiets down. Nightmares again, but Kurogane is not surprised. After sharing a same room many nights in many worlds, he knew that while he fought to have dreamless sleep the mage next to him could camp out in no time but would then quietly suffer in the dream world. Neither of them talked about it – and it wasn’t like Fai would openly do so in the first place. Yet in the silent mutual agreement (amongst many other things) and the unspoken words exchanged between them, there is a connection, whether Fai (or even he) liked it or not.
And Kurogane was so close, so close to unveiling the last of the layers Fai is still hiding underneath, but then the chains of unfortunate events had to occur one after the other. The moment his eye was ripped out from the socket and was left to the confines of unbearable pain and feeling his life being drained away shut down all of his attempts that have been building and building ever since that night in Outo. He knows that relationships come and go, and as a ninja for the imperial army in times of incessant wars he’s grown accustomed of losing people to battles – or even betrayal. He never gets in close relations with people, not if he could help it.
But Fai, Fai was different. All those times they were in each other’s company, sitting down and drinking bottles of alcohol one after the other instead of caving in to their usual whimsies of teasing and chasing – or even witnessing the moments of despair between Syaoran and Sakura were something he knows he can no longer pull off as just another thing he has to go through in this accursed journey. There were even those times in Yama, when after long days spent sparring or fighting they’d end up drinking to themselves in the privacy of their tents (and later quarters in the castle) they’d both eased up, and even Fai enjoyed himself.
And then there were those nights, countless ones, when Kurogane started observing Fai late at night before he could attempt to fall asleep, all those nights of wistfully taking in the beauty and seeing a completely different and honest side of the blond in the moonlight. To his discomfort, it had become a strange habit where he couldn’t stop himself from doing it each and every opportunity he could get, even to the present moment as he continues caressing Fai’s hair, remembering something that is now probably lost forever unless he does something about it (and that’s what he’ll do because that’s how he is). To even think that all along they shared the experiences of night time being an unpleasant time for them (but for far various reasons, he surmised) is admittedly painful. All those times he had foolishly tried to comfort the mage within reasonable boundaries, only stopping himself and heading back to sleep because he then knew it was pointless. But now, nothing is holding him back. Fai needs him, and he…
He needs Fai, too. (Like a security blanket or the touch of a mother’s hand, or the reassurance of Ginryuu in your palms, or because there is still that gaping hole inside of you and maybe – maybe it does want to be filled.)
“For goodness sake, you’re not even ready to be on guard tonight.”
Souma stood there, towering over you with firm hands on her hips. She was frowning, clearly not pleased with your conduct as you sat outside of the princess’ chamber with your temporary sword still sheathed but at the ready.
“So tell me then, why are you out here?”
She had that challenging gaze, always imposing, always making you want to be just as tough and square off at her. But you’re tired and your head hurt and you still couldn’t shake away the stubborn restlessness and haunting dreams.
“I can’t sleep,” you admitted, and as you did you clutched your sword closer to you as if it would make everything better. Every time you laid there in bed, bothersome thoughts plagued you. What if something were to happen when it was late and you were ignorantly asleep?
The head guard relaxed. She was still frowning but sympathy replaced consternation and you shyly looked away. It was one thing for the princess to pity you, but for the strong ninja, you didn’t want it from her at all.
“I think,” she said, “we need to consult with Tomoyo-hime tomorrow morning.”
If the way he hungrily accepted all those good fights on the moonlit battlefield in the country of Yama indicates something about his true wants and needs, the same can be said for the land of Infinity.
All four of them are hard-pressed for the insanely dangerous chess tournament. While the two men and the kid are well equipped with battling, if it isn’t for the princess’ mental strength they would have been done for. But as much as the fights provide constant fresh sources of outlet for Kurogane, it isn’t the same. It’s no longer something he truly relishes in – the frequent opportunities to wipe out foes to get that high adrenaline and the relief before tucking into bed. Instead, he turns to it for different cathartic reasons. A swipe for every time Fai evades drinking; a thrust for all those moments he pulls off ‘Kurogane’ with such cold viciousness; and a fury of a spiral attack for all those times when he still sees something being hidden behind that golden cat-eye slit of his, begging for something more but because he’s an idiot he doesn’t act upon it.
By the time they finish a round all of them return home to where Mokona waits for them (and even he knows Mokona is feeling the strain, worried and not as perky and annoying as she used to be, and he doesn’t blame her one bit.) A quick and silent meal then follows, and then not long afterwards it is always the same. Fai would escort Sakura to sleep while Kurogane is left with Mokona and Syaoran – the latter still stewing over his ill timing and troubled at how the princess is so cold and distant (just like the mage, with his cold stares and his cruel tongue). When they earn enough money that they accumulate along the way in the tournament Kurogane pulls out the stop and buys the drinks himself, disregarding those times he put a ban both in Outo and Piffle. He knows Sakura won’t be troubled at all to inquire for some to drink. Sometimes Fai comes in and asks ‘politely’ for a bottle before heading out to drink on his own. Many times Mokona steals some from him. But most of the time Kurogane drinks by himself outside on the balcony late at night.
Tonight the stars and the moon are hard to see through the smog and the orange haze only light pollution can produce. He sullenly chugs down half a bottle before resting. By now the children should be asleep, leaving him room to make one more attempt to bring the mage turned vampire for a drink. Setting the bottle down he retreats to their room where Fai sits still, cold eye roving around carefully. Kurogane procures a fresh wound to his wrist and says without preamble, “Drink.”
Golden iris flashes at the sight and scent of his blood. Fai licks his lips, and even though Kurogane knows he hates him he can’t help but be lured by the man’s tongue. With another terse ‘Kurogane’ he drinks from him, making sharp stinging sensations. But when he applies his tongue, warm and wet, over his wounds it’s another different thing. He suppresses a shudder as warm lips withdraw from his wrist, golden eye replaced by the familiar blue. Nothing else is said as both of them prepared for bed in their own corners, and for once Kurogane really wished the arrangement isn’t like this.
Because no matter how much he wrestles with it otherwise, Kurogane wants to clutch onto Fai in bed and do many, many other things with him. A long time ago in all those six months in Yama he’d deny the same desire but now he knows better than that. If he had it his way he’d sleep with Fai in his arms, easing that gaping hole inside of him since he was fourteen, pressing his nose deep within blond locks. But instead it’s always just the same – two men sleeping on one side of the bed, their backs facing each other and as many inches away from the other as possible. As the moonlight once again seeps through the tightly shut drapes he stares at the ceiling, cursing silently all the way until he can fall asleep.
“Souma tells me that you’ve been having trouble sleeping. Is that true?”
It doesn’t take much to know that the answer was a resounding yes by the dark circles under your eyelids, so you didn’t say anything. The Tsukuyomi came closer, grabbing one of your hands.
“I understand it’s been even harder for you these nights,” she said. The fact that she even acknowledged the truthful pain made you want to cry (you were still grieving), but you swallowed and nodded instead. “But as long as Shirasagi has Souma and the guards nothing will happen.”
“But…what if…”
“It bodes no well if a future ninja like you wish to protect us, but is unable to rest well when needed to perform his duty the next time he wakes up.”
Her words made you stop and think. No matter how painful it was, you knew her words of wisdom ran true in so many ways. Even when your parents were alive and you were still the heir of Suwa (you still are, but you don’t know if you can deal with that, not now) you wanted very much the same.
Yes, it was hard, but if you wanted to owe it up and live to your father’s name (your name Youou, too, must be buried with your mother and Suwa; and so you will be Kurogane), you’d just have to go through that. If that was the only way you could reclaim your strength, then just as well.
“I – I understand.”
The princess smiled. “Always have faith in yourself.”
“I see that you slept very well, Kurogane.”
To some she may seem serene and serious, considering he’s just woken up from a long comatose sleep from severe blood loss, but the ninja knows otherwise. Sure enough Tomoyo presses her sleeves up to her mouth and starts giggling, aggravating him (but in a good way because he’s grateful, in more ways than one, more than he can ever say and can ever owe back to her). He grins.
“Oh, shut up.”
After all those years of fretting away in the castle and then causing trouble for the court through his typical evening rampages, Ginryuu (the original, the same one held in Father’s hands and blessed by his Mother’s magic) returns to him. Or maybe, he returns to it.
It’s still the same as before, silver scales and blade made of the finest steel miraculously clean from all the demon blood that were spilt. The golden head and garnet crusted eyes bring forth good fortune and passion, glinting in the soft moonlight spilling over the floor. Kurogane wonders if he’s worthy enough to claim it back, despite all those years of burning guilt and grief, followed by his dark and violent descent – but when Tomoyo didn’t hesitate to give it to him and blessed him with his real name (Youou – hawk king: visionary, nobleman, protector), he’s reassured.
The knowledge of his mother begging the princess to save the Suwa Family’s sword for him on her dying breath, moments before she left the world in his arms, left him in somber awe. Left alone, he reflects on her, along with his father (and Sakura – precious, precious Sakura who died too soon and too much the same). He sighs, sheathes Ginryuu back in, and faces the moonlit window, until he hears someone else outside his room, someone he’s been waiting for.
“Come in.”
The door opens and Fai walks in. “You’re still awake, Kuro-sama?”
He ignores the tease (it’s still there, but it’s not the same as before, so he treasures it just as much), picking up more on the sorrow displayed everywhere on the mage as Fai sits down next to him.
“Yeah, though I’m ‘bout to,” he replies, quietly letting go of Ginryuu and flexing his new mechanical arm. It’s still stiff, and it will never be the same as one full of flesh and with his previous strength. But it was worth it (his arm left behind, bearing the scar of his childhood), worth it for the man sitting right next to him. And yet, he wants to ask something, but doesn’t know how to go about it.
“Does Kuro-sama want me to stay with him tonight?”
The thought that Fai offers the suggestion himself makes him glad, but he still feels funny in his stomach. “Feh, you’re always putting things in my mouth.”
“I know,” he says back, grinning, but then it drops. He starts playing with his hair, twirling it nervously in his fingers. “But I’ve felt Kuro-sama looking at me that way all those nights, so I thought…I thought…”
Not again, he thinks, but Kurogane understands just as well, so instead of chastising him right away with another ‘idiot,’ he takes his mechanical arm and grasps it around the hand Fai is using to toy his hair with. Fai breathes still, but he doesn’t stop there, and tucks flyaway blond strands over his ear to reveal golden eye widening in surprise. It’s funny – he used to hate that golden eye, always sensing great pain and anger in it along with those spiteful ‘Kurogane’ – but now, as he simply observes the angle of the moonlight spilling perfectly over pale skin and blue fabric, he thinks it’s just right.
The pain is still there – his and Fai’s– but it’s getting better, and he’s more than glad that Fai is willing and wanting to stay with him tonight. He never knew that it could come to this, seeing Ginryuu again and being blessed by his princess, and Fai coming back into his life until tonight. But it did, and the gaping hole inside of him is starting to feel complete again. Not fully yet, but it’s a start. For a moment, just a moment, Kurogane wants to touch their foreheads, feel that golden eyelash flutter near his nose, and kiss him everywhere – on his nose, on his eyelid and then finally his lips – but he finds that he can’t. No, it’s not because Fai isn’t ready yet (he can feel Fai wants this too, but is patient just as much).
Old habits die hard. Even though they lost their strength and magic and are still wholesome and alive and so much happier, the wait is not over yet. Who knows what will happen once they and Syaoran plus Mokona depart to where the murderer responsible for his mother’s death and just about everything? He knows better than that and has faith in all of them, but as a boy who constantly worried and a warrior who kept vigilant guard over the castle he still cannot rest so easily.
With much regret, he slowly lets go of Fai’s hair, both exhaling after holding their breaths in for a moment. Kurogane offers his good hand and Fai takes it. He smiles and comes closer to him, and together they lie down side by side, hands interlocked tightly and never letting go. The next day and the ones many to follow may prove to be the most difficult, yet for tonight, only for tonight, Kurogane has Fai and Fai has Kurogane – and that’s all he ever wanted as he closes his eyes and welcomes sleep.
“Mother, why are you sad?”
The lady and priestess of Suwa quickly wiped her sleeves over her eyes and turned to address her four-year-old son. He hoped he didn’t make her upset.
“It’s nothing much, my child,” she said.
“Is it ‘cause Father’s not home?”
She smiled at him. “Yes,” she admitted.
Despite that he was just tucked in by her, Youou crawled out of his bed and went in to his mother’s lap. Grubby hands reached up to swipe away tears of betrayal that leaked out of her eyes. “Aww, it’ll be fine, Mother,” he said.
“Oh?” She chuckled. “Is that so?”
“Uh huh!” he exclaimed, grinning toothily. “Father said sun comes and it’ll be day and he’ll be back and, yeah, it’ll be okay.”
“Of course,” she murmured, pulling in her son close for a hug. “Of course – thank you, Youou…”
We’ve come a long way to belong here
To share this view of the night, a glorious night
Over the horizon is another bright sky
- Jason Mraz
It’s a wonder Kurogane never loses control of himself despite all those wasted hours of sleep he could have had. Perhaps it’s one of his unusual traits that make others’ average capabilities pale in comparison, along with being (and he still is) the strongest warrior of Nihon.
He’s still wide awake, standing outside on the balcony of his personal guest room and inhaling the cool desert evening breeze. In daytime the kingdom of Clow scorches under the sun’s ray, but in the evening the temperature drops – and sometimes it drops so dangerously low that the castle is tightly shut, so he hears – but nevertheless the cool evening is welcomed. His left shoulder, once again subjected to brutal injuries, sticks under piles of gauze and bandages, and the feeling of sticky sweat under the hot sun makes it ten times more miserable. Not that he can complain, since well –
The warrior sighs. Although he personally had ensured that Fei Wong is done for, there are still many things left to be accounted for. He refuses to believe that the kids (yes, they’re still kids to him, even if they were parents in their other lifetime) are gone forever, and in the hopes of finding them someday he didn’t hesitate to continue traveling nearly endlessly with Tsubasa and Mokona and –
“Kuro-sama is a bad boy. Kuro-sama should be sleeping.”
Speaking of the devil.
“Oi,” he greets Fai, whose room adjoins his. The mage waves cheerfully from his balcony, desert wind whipping through his hair. Despite how much wounds he is sustaining, Fai looks remarkably well – not that it’s a surprise considering Kurogane has it rougher with his mechanical arm permanently destroyed and as a result pieces of it got smashed into his older wounds, which makes it very, very painful.
When he fully sees Fai standing rather resplendently in the moonlight, he freezes. For perhaps the first time, everything comes together. Not black like in Yama, not one gold or one blue from those painful times – but both blue eyes greet him warmly as much as the smile coming from his mouth, the same smile Kurogane’s coming to treasure even more these days and the one that’s only for him. As the wind continues to blow through sun-silk hair and as the full moon continues to bathe the mage in its light, he knows, he finally knows.
“Kuro-sama must be too star-struck or something to not hear me.”
“I – what?” Kurogane sputters, burning bright red and relieved that it’s too dark for Fai to notice that he’s blushing.
“I said~” Fai sing songs, “does Kuro-sama want company tonight?”
“I’m fine, idiot, fine,” Kurogane spews back, because he’s too used to saying things like that, too used to denying everything the mage has to say and offer when in reality, he really does want to be accompanied, really does.
“Hmm…I’ll take that as a ‘yes’,” Fai says back, and before Kurogane can say or do anything the mage laughs gaily and starts to make a run for it, pushing one foot on the balcony rail and leaping (holy fuck, he is such a cat) from his straight onto Kurogane’s. Still struck by momentum, he tips forward and collides into the warrior, and if it isn’t for his quick reaction to grab ahold of Fai they both would have collapsed to the hard ground by now.
“You idiot,” he says hotly, dumbstruck. “You could have gotten hurt. Why didn’t you just went back in and came through my door?”
Fai ducks from Kurogane’s ever persistent fist.
“Stop being so serious,” Fai protests. Ironically, he said it so seriously, that the warrior decides to shut up. “I wonder why Kuro-sama can never sleep, and now I know.”
Did Fai seriously jump spectacularly all the way here just to talk about this? “Try me,” he says.
“Well…” Fai drawls, tapping his chin and making that pout of his that Kurogane is seriously contemplating whether if it’s cute or not. “Sometimes you have to ease your mind and all your troubles before falling asleep and since Kuro-sama’s been a really good daddy all these times I’m not surprised why you have a hard time, even now.”
“Mage,” he says, desperately trying not to make it sound like he’s whining, “you’re up to something. Just cut to the chase.”
Fai laughs, instinctively wrapping a finger through his hair again, and smiles (and there goes his heart again, beating erratically faster, just like that). “I just wanted to ask this.”
He shifts, and the moon’s light follows too as Fai steps closer towards Kurogane, blue eyes locked reverently onto red ones. This time he brings a hand to hold the warrior’s chin, and as he does so Kurogane can see the stars reflecting off of those blue-as-the-sky eyes, twinkling merrily.
“What does Kuro-sama want?” he says.
His heart flops. “What I…want?” Kurogane repeats.
“Whatever you want,” Fai reassures, tracing slender fingers over his jawline, each back-and-forth movement causing his heart rate to accelerate.
“I…”
I want some goddamn sleep.
I still want to go back home.
But I want to find the kids first.
I want to – I want to love again.
But “I want-” is soon met with Fai’s lips pressing gently on his. Startled for a bit, he slowly eases in and then kisses back, pushing himself closer to Fai, feeling and exploring soft lips for the very first time before he pulls back.
“You.”
“Oh really? Is that so?” Fai teases, crooking one eyebrow higher than the other, leaving Kurogane flabbergasted if only for a bit.
“Mage.”
“Because I couldn’t sleep either, so I – so I…”
Why the everlasting hell is Fai nervous, too? But, well, Kurogane can help with his restlessness, too.
He grins, plucks a strand of Fai’s hair in his good hand and gives it a whirl, causing a quiet noise of content coming from the mage before he cups the back of his smooth, pale neck and kisses him.
They bridge themselves closer, two arms wrapped around Kurogane and one around Fai, and they stay like that for a very, very long time, far into the night, underneath the clear moonlit sky with the stars twinkling, until dawn breaks and the glorious sun rises in from the far east. By then they have stopped, far too exhausted but too soaked in each other’s presence, happy and grinning foolishly.
Kurogane still hasn’t gotten a fairly decent sleep, but well, tonight isn’t so bad.
It’s late summer and the heat is getting to you. When the last of the demon is destroyed and the villagers are reprieved of their devastation, the men and you return back home. Soon the sun sets, casting a dark silhouette against the canvas of the brilliant pink and purple sky. The sounds of the cicadas then return, singing to the night and calling for the rise of the great and majestic full moon.
But the one thing you look forward to when you head back for home is always the same no matter what, and you grin (and the men tease you, much like how your father’s men teased him so).
As soon as the rooftop of the manor soars over the horizon, you urge your horse faster, but not too fast otherwise she will become thirsty and overheated. By the time you reach back, you don’t even have to jump off, for soon you hear the familiar footsteps, coming right from the gardens. Hair as brilliant as the sun whirls by, held back by a rich, red ribbon, and eyes as blue as the bright sky welcome you back home.
“My lord,” Fai greets, flushed (and you still blush at the sound of being addressed so, even though it’s been a year since Suwa got fully restored and you and he started renewing the province with people and life).
There’s no official title you could address Fai with (‘my lord consort’ your ass), so you smile as you always do when he greets you home. The stable boy runs over and tends to all the horses, and with the servants left to take care of the men you walk with Fai privately for a bit before supper time.
Later that night, as the sun has fully set and the full moon rises ever so greatly into the night sky you and he sits on the veranda (just like you did as a child, with your parents, watching the stars in awe). You chat amongst yourself, and as the time goes by and the sounds of the cicadas start to cease, you let Fai rest on your shoulder. When it reaches a certain time, you prod at him, saying it’s time to head to bed. He grins with that crook of his eyebrow, and there’s a mutual understanding between you.
Bathed in the moonlight, he looks beautiful as always, pale skin naked and exposed all for you. Hands weaving through his hair, you kiss him – on his nose, on his eyelids (his golden eyelashes tickling you), and then on his lips. He holds onto you, muttering your name (my lord, Kuro-sama, Youou), grasping fingertips over your back and into your shoulder blades. You start kissing his neck, trailing your lips down soft, smooth skin, scattering them like stars on the open, blackened sky.
Your lord consort, your life-long companion, your lover, Fai, Yuui, your everything. With the full moon spilling gracefully over the floor and over your naked bodies, you hold him like never before, until the cicadas stop chirping, until the moonlight moves over another spot and your breathes return back to normal, flushed.
You kiss him once more – on his nose, over his eyelids, and then his lips, and then you call it a night, holding him closely as always, until sleep overtakes both of you, and you can never, ever get tired of this.
~the end.
Thank you for reading! How did I do?
Please score my fic according to these guidelines:
1. How well did this fic fulfill the prompt? (1-10)
2. How Original was this fic? (1-10)
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)
no subject
2 - 7
3 - 9
I rather enjoyed this...snippets from the series played out. Kinda like a behind-the-scenes extra footage thing.
Good job, especially considering the time frame you had to work with. @_@
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What's really funny is that I swear this would have worked for the last Olympics event - Team Angst and prompt is "Sleep Deprivation". The irony is that was what you did. @___@
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I am sorry that I stuck you with my slot in the competition, especially at short notice - but you performed admirably regardless. Probably better than my story was shaping up to be. XD Although the one I was writing was also sorta like Last Years Prompts + This Year. XD Ten years from now I'll have some giant snowball of a prompt and stick to it all!
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And seriously. You shouldn't have reminded me of that text caption thing again, because in the opening scene I was sniggering like an idiot instead of enjoying the angst. "It'll be just me and my penis against the world." XDDDDDD
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I know - after all I still remember all the feelings I got after reading NLMG and Freefall and Just A Thing That Happened. *grin* I don't feel bad writing Kurogane-angst, but Youou-angst...;_____;
/dies. Oh gods, I didn't see the connection there. NGL, it's my favorite text caption/screencap that I've done so far. So much that I finally shared it on Tumblr. xDDDD
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It breaks my heart that he comes to the revelation that he needs Fai on that night. Just before 'Good morning, Kurogane'. *wibbles*
I like your Tomoyo a lot, and the ending was very sweet. I like fics where they rebuild Suwa together, it's always cute.
1. How well did this fic fulfill the prompt? (1-10)
9
2. How Original was this fic? (1-10)
7
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (1-10)
8
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Kurogane is my favorite character - so naturally I tend to be the most cruelest to him in terms of developing angst plot. Although I still do see him as someone who's very much of the present and straightforward person, I don't think he's easily free of the tragedies of his past. Good examples are in Outo: when he thinks the demons have eaten former demon hunters AND Fai, you really see the grief in him (because that's how his father died, ohmygod). And his violent tendency, not to mention how he didn't want to get close to anyone else too, surely spelled that too. AND Mokona said Kurogane is dealing with heartache in that omake.
TL;DR: But yeah, I took liberty with that. It's really true that a lot of things happen at night. I imagine he had trouble going to sleep. ;___;
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;____________;
This was a brilliant idea. A painful one, but so clever and very well executed. Still hurt a bit to read- but then you had the perfect ending, the perfect ending, so it makes all that pain all right. Ah, I loved the balcony jump, and them sitting together on the verndah. Oh, this was gorgeous and lovely. ♥
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I was so unsure how my approach to this prompt would be handled - I did a bajillion of experimenting here, so it makes me happy to hear that it's not messy or anything like that. I have to admit, writing the ending was worth it.
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One thing I find interesting, besides the flashbacks that did well to set the moods, was Kurogane's thoughts. For the longest time, he denied feeling young, denied feeling helpless. He wasn't a kid who needed to be consoled in the dark, damn it, though, at one time he was. Then in this line (You’re fourteen again - furious, helpless, but hurt, so very hurt). He admits it because of Fai, like he regained a little bit of his old self and was willing to admit it.
My favorite flashback was when he consoled his mother that his father is coming home. I just... heart... fluttering...
I cannot think of any negative things to say. This is a nice read. For the time constrain you had to finish it, I am in awe. AND you were still able to fulfill your cheerleader duties! XD
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Of course Kurogane would come to find Kuro-sama as the most heartfelt endearment. If you put that scene in Nihon in an ordinary romance novel plot, I'd imagine the exchange and thought would be like this:
Fai: "Because I forgive you, and because I was so scared of losing you for the sake of my life and happiness, I don't want to be mad anymore at you. Kuro-sama...
Kurogane: *thinks, That name!!!*
Fai: I - I love you, Kuro-sama.
And therefore, Kurogane associates that name with the moment Fai comes back to him, and enjoys it, hooray!
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To be honest, I never thought about it much, but only until after I thought about comparing/contrasting key events that happen at night/in the dark to fit the prompt did I realize he'd probably have trouble sleeping. Unlike Fai, who probably had much more nightmares, he's more capable of not letting dreams and nightmares affect ONCE he falls asleep - or at least now that's how I see it. It's now my new headcanon. :D
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1. 9
2. 7
3. 8
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Yeah, I imagine that it doesn't help when he is trained to be a warrior and guard because it makes him always on his edge, so that wouldn't help him settle with his insomnia. But once he sleeps, he can sleep still, I guess?
So happy the ending has been well received. It's probably the most poetic part I wrote so far. *A*
Luna_x009 (http://luna-x009.livejournal.com/)
(Anonymous) 2012-05-08 06:50 pm (UTC)(link)2. How Original was this fic? 8
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 8
Re: Luna_x009 (http://luna-x009.livejournal.com/)
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And the ending was majorly cute. Loved the balcony jump- it's definitely something Fai would do XD
1. How well did this fic fulfill the prompt? 8
2. How Original was this fic? 7
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 8
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I think something's off with me. I have the tendency and urge to explore Kurogane's weakness/vulnerabilities; while upping up Fai's personal strength, and so far I haven't seriously gotten huge flak for those! Then again, I just think fandom tends to not give Fai a whole lot of credit and make Kurogane a semi Gary-stu (
not as bad as Syaoran, dear gods!). But yeah, as much as I love how unnervingly strong and resilient and badass Kurogane is, it's those moments of seeing him so affected by tragedies, how he struggles with the wrongfulness that the whole family goes through, and when he clarifies what true strength means to him that ultimately makes him my favorite character. CLAMP does makes him human...but I guess all of his character traits and gradual changes are too subtle?Oh god I'll stop ranting here. x___X
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(Anonymous) 2012-05-09 11:13 pm (UTC)(link)2. How Original was this fic? (9)
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? (9)
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But I'm afraid in order for your voting to count, you need to provide an identification - for example, a fanfiction.net or LiveJournal or tumblr account, etc.
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Dawww this was just the right amount of sweetness, the right amount of sadness, the right amount of beautiful images (Fai in the moonlight <3) and the right amount of Kurogane!! I can't even think properly... All those beautiful moments, all those parentheses, Kurogane slowly falling in love with Fai, the hurt, the pain, the relief, the love. All those important nights, the bits from his past... Daaaaaaw *love*
1. How well did this fic fulfill the prompt? 10
2. How Original was this fic? 7
3. How much did I enjoy this fic overall? 9
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But considering the time frame you had for this and everything else, I'm REALLY impressed!
1. 9 pretty well incorporated, but not quite apparent unless you know it
2. 9 because the behind the scenes was cool and REALLY well written, but not all that much new plot (probably because of the time you lacked...)
3. 9 8D
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Ahaha, yeah...I did came up with an idea with an original world and even original characters for all main characters to land in that involved a world where the sun can no longer shine and it has to do with Sakura's feather of course. But there was no way I could be amazing and pull it off in a very short time like, um...everyone else so I had to be dull and stick to what CLAMP already provided. I still haven't read Reikah's story yet, but I am aware that hers blow mine way out of proportion a thousand times fold. xD
Thanks for reading and voting! :D
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Ahaha, oh BeeTrain!The whole plot was never fully fleshed out, but in that world I thought of, the sun became so intense that it became so lethal. Suzaku (a human version of Fai's tattoo...long story), a priestess and incarnation of that world's sun deity, enters into a deep sleep as a sacrifice and therefore the sun ceases to rise until the 'messiah' arrives to save them. That's when the gang would enter and well...Fai is targeted.
The problem with that idea was that it would be more gen (and not to mention a Ginryuu/Suzaku fic) and it would have been hard juggling KuroFai, a family feather hunt, and OCs. I probably will write something like this in the future.
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1. 8
2. 8
3. 8
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(Also, that icon - I still fall so hard for Demian's fanart. It's so gorgeous. <3)
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*sheepish smile* I should probably have just said all of that in the original comment, but that is why sweet and fluffy.
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It's odd and yet fitting that Kurogane in this is scared of the dark - and yet he tends not to let that fear freeze him; it just is, and he gets on with trying to live his life. Or get through it, and slowly learn how to live along the way.
9, 8, 9
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I glad to hear the motif was something you enjoyed, since I tend to go for motifs in my writing. I think it's kind of genius that CLAMP made a lot of dark scenes in the...dark. The moon as a symbolism was something I picked up too throughout the series.
Although I intended to have Kurogane be purely afraid of the dark as a child - a common childhood fear - it becomes complicated as he's an adult and a warrior in my head. I figured him being the watchful type of guy and being trained as a ninja who wakes up easily at any movement wouldn't help with his problems with insomnia.